


Emdale Panto 2019

by SLTventures



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:27:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21698485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SLTventures/pseuds/SLTventures
Summary: Just came up with this in response to seeing the preview clip for Mon 9th Dec, Emmerdale ep where Bob suggests putting on a panto this year. This is me imagining Charity Dingle getting involved! She did so brilliantly with the Punch & Judy show earlier in the year! May add to it and may not, depends how it plays out next week in the actual eps.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 2
Kudos: 82





	1. In the pub

Bob: Charity  
Charity: No Bob  
Bob: But you havent heard what I was going to say yet?  
Charity: I know, the answer's still no.  
Bob: But Moses & Johnny would love it?  
Ness: What's that Bob?  
Bob: If we put on a panto, as a village, get everyone together? All the kids would love it.  
Ness to Charity: Aww they would, they would look so cute  
Charity tries her hardest to resist Ness' cute face, but fails: They would. What were you after from me Bob?  
Bob: Someone to be...  
Charity: Yes Bob??  
Bob: The pantomime villan  
Ness sniggers, Charity shoots her a look  
Charity: Why me? I can think of many more who fit the bill better after this year!  
Bob: Oh but you would be a fun villan  
Harriet sneaks up on them: Oh no she wouldn't  
Ness: Oh yes she would!  
Bob: She's behind you!  
Charity looks behind her but no one is there  
Chas appears from the other side of the pub: Oh no she isn't!  
Charity looks around at everyone, bemused: Have you all been rehearsing?!  
They all shake their heads.  
Harriet: You can have the church hall for free Bob, I think it's a great idea.  
Ness: I'll ask Rhona if there are any small animals we can borrow for it!  
Bob: I can see it now 'Puss in Boots'  
Charity: Who's the villan in that?  
Ness, looking Charity up and down appreciatively: I dont know but I can see you as the lead role instead. You'd make a great Puss in Boots...  
Bob cleared his throat: Excuse me this is a family panto Ms Woodfield  
Ness looks sheepish: Ah um yeah sorry  
Charity grins at Ness  
Harriet: Shall I put up some posters, email the adults, and we can have a meeting tomorrow night, get some auditions sorted?  
Bob; Thanks Harriet that sounds a great idea, I'll ask the twins what their favourite panto is, and others can chip in ideas too. Charity?  
Charity: What?  
Bob: Are you up for playing a part in whatever panto we do? villan or not?  
Charity sighs: Yeah okay, but I want a say in my costume, and Moses has to have a star role? Deal?  
Bob: shakes hands with Charity: Deal  
Ness smiles at Charity who cant resist smiling back.  
Chas: What about me?  
Charity: What about you?  
Chas: What part can I play?  
Charity: How about the villan for you, it'd suit you!  
Harriet: Charity!


	2. On the phone

Ness is outside the village hall, with her mobile in her hand about to make a call  
Charity is out in Hotton  
Charity's phone buzzes in her pocket, she takes it out and smiles when seeing it's Ness calling her.  
Charity: Hi Babe, are you missing me? I've only been gone out an hour  
Ness: Charity, I'm outside the village hall, waiting for you  
C: (looks puzzled) It's been a long time since I've had any al fresco fun, but I'm up for it if you are babe! I won't be back for at least half an hour though, can you wait that long?  
N: No, not for that. Although now you've given me ideas...  
C: (moves up in the queue she's stood in, silence from Ness) Babe?  
N: Oh sorry, er yes, it's the panto auditions this afternoon, you said you were gonna be here?  
C: Ohh no I didn't  
N: Oh yes you did!  
C: Yeah I know I did, I was getting into character  
N: Oh yes I see what you did there, so are you coming?  
C: Ha ha  
N: To the auditions I mean! Charity!  
C: I'll be there but I'll be about half an hour late, sorry babe, this queue goes on forever  
N: Where are you?  
C: Hotton co-op, post office queue, need to post that parcel off to Debs  
Brass band starts playing in the co-op  
C: Jesus Christ! What the heck?  
N: What?  
C: Ha ha ha ha. Oh that gave me a fright, didnt see them there, great big brass band and all, ah ha ha ha.  
N: You'll have to speak up a bit babe I cant hear you over the music  
C: I SAID THERE'S A BRASS BAND PLAYING, BLOKE SHAKING A TIN TO RAISE MONEY, HE'S GOT A COOKED TURKEY ON HIS HEAD!  
(Band finishes their tune and shop is quiet, whole queue turns to see who's shouting about a turkey on a head!)  
C: (to queue of onlookers) Sorry, shhh! I'm just talking to my girlfriend! Look at that fella over there! (she says pointing to the chap with the novelty hat on)   
N: Charity? Are you drunk?  
C: Me babe?  
N: Charity?  
C: I might have had a couple of cheeky ones, but they were giving away free mead samples in the market square, it'd be rude to refuse dont you think especially at this time of year, season of goodwill and all that!  
N: Werent you supposed to give a donation in return?  
C: Was I? Oh. I'll put some change in this fella's tin here instead.  
N: So what time will you be back?  
C: About half an hour I guess? Sorry babe. Just tell Bob, I'll play whatever part he wants, he can email me the script later.   
N: (sighing) Okay! Don't get up to any more mischief while you're out please!  
C: (jokingly rolls her eyes at woman behind her in the queue)  
N: Charity?  
C: Yes babe! I'll be good I promise, I love you Ness, babe.  
N: (sighing but not cross with Charity) Love you too Charity, hurry home  
C: I will babe  
N: Safely though!  
C: Are you ending the call or me?  
N: You?  
C: I LOVE YOU VANESSA WOODFIELD DINGLE!!!  
N: Chariteee! ha ha ha love you, bye!


	3. Outside the Village hall

Charity: Babe! There you are! I’m so so sorry! It took ages in the post office and then there were so many traffic jams and the buses were packed!  
Ness: You’d have been better driving, although perhaps not given you’ve had more than a couple free meads by the look of you, tsk!  
C: Me? Sorry babe, honest I am. I’ll buy you a few drinks in the Woolie this eve to make up for it promise. Mwah (she kissed Ness on the lips, who instinctively leans in despite herself)  
N: Aww as it’s you honey I can’t stay mad at you for long, and I’m glad you’re getting into the festive spirit, literally!  
C: Is the meeting still on or have I missed it?  
N: Harriet’s still there but the others have gone home.  
C: So, what panto are we doing then?  
N: Well, at first, they couldn’t decide between Puss in Boots or…  
C: Ness?  
N: (gazing at Charity’s legs) Sorry, or Cinderella.   
C: So, what was the verdict?  
N: Well, it was a close call, but Cinderella got the most votes.  
C: Cool. I can turn my hand to pretty much anything. So, what part are you playing?  
N: Me? I, I wasn’t planning on doing anything front of house!  
C: Really? But you’d look gorgeous as Cinderella babe  
N: (Blushes, but grins madly at Charity) Really?  
C: I’m imagining you now in the big dress at the ball…think of all the fun we could have in the wings, no one would know I was under your skirts ha ha ha mmm oh babe (she looks around to see if anyone nearby)  
Ness looks around too, then leads Charity behind a big tree. They both grin at each other. Charity gently pushes Ness up against the trunk, and slides her right arm around her waist.  
C: Come Here you! (she says, smiles and she pulls Ness towards her and plants a kiss full on her lips)  
N: Mmah Ohhh mmm  
Scene cuts to Harriet looking out a back window of the village hall as she can hear odd noises coming from outside. She spies a canoodling couple and strides outside to confront them.  
Harriet: Oi you kids, there’s a time and a place you know, and this isn’t it! …Oh!  
C: Hi Vicar  
N: Harriet, sorry, Charity just got back from town and we were…  
H: Yes I heard what you were doing lady!  
N: Sorry Vicar (Ness looks sheepish)  
C: Sorry Vicar (imitating Ness)  
H: (smiles, despite herself) Ha ha very droll, if I can break you two apart a minute can you both come in the village hall for a moment?  
C: Anything for you vicar ha ha  
Charity winks at Ness, who is grinning. They follow Harriet into the village hall.  
C: What can we do you for?  
H: I thought you might like to know what role you’ve got in the panto Charity?  
C: Oh, yep. Break it to me gently, it’s not the back end of Dobbin is it?  
H: Ha! No, although I wish I had thought of that  
C: So?  
H: We wondered if you’d like to be Prince Charming? To Vanessa’s Cinderella of course.  
N: Oh, I prefer to be behind the scenes really  
H: Oh, go on, you’d be brilliant Ness, please?  
C: Yeah please babe I don’t want to have to kiss anyone else in the village  
N: (She smiles) Okay then for you honey.  
H: Great, I’ll add you to the list Ness. So, I take it it’s a yes from you too Charity?  
C: Yes go on then you’ve twisted my arm. (she rolls her eyes and winks at Harriet)  
Ness stands smiling in a dream again looking at Charity.  
H: (to Ness) Penny for them?  
N: (clears her throat) Sorry um yeah, have you got a costume lined up for Prince Charming yet?  
H: Not specifically yet no, why?  
N: Oh, no reason  
C: Ness?  
N: I just had a vision ha ha of what Charity would look perfect in as Prince Charming  
H: Yes, do tell?  
N: Yes. A white fitted shirt, a waistcoat and tight fitting trousers, oh and some shiny black boots…  
C: I think I could pull that look off yep  
N: If not, I could pull that look off you Charity!  
H: Vanessa!


	4. In their bedroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be a bit of light relief pre xmas, now actual Emmerdale storyline has moved on a pace, so keep this as fantasy #Vanity story! Aiming to try to finish it in about 10 chapters ish, before it gets too late for Panto season. Do comment if you like it, thanks.

Charity: Can I look yet?  
Ness: Nearly, I’m just perfecting the look  
C: You’ve been making me try on different outfits for the last half hour babe! It’s quite difficult with a blindfold on!  
N: Well I want the finished look to be surprise for you honey  
C: How long have you been in possession of this blindfold anyway Babe?   
N: Not long why?  
C: No reason ha ha ha  
N: Yeah okay, you got me, I thought it might be fun to try out when, you know, we…  
Charity mimed something with her hips!  
N: Ha ha yep for that, yes, now stand still for me, while I just tuck this in (she said, standing close behind Charity)  
C: Ooh matron! She’s behind you!!!  
Ness slid her arms around Charity’s waist and then stood on tiptoe to kiss the nape of her neck  
N: That’’s it we’re done  
C: Oh no we’re not! (She turned in Ness’ embrace and kissed her long and hard on the lips)  
Ness reluctantly pulled out of the kiss, a lot sooner than she wanted to  
N: Charity believe me I really really want to, but the kids will be home soon! You can look now.  
Charity slid off the blindfold and turned around to face one of the full length mirrors on their wardrobe door.  
N: Ta’da!  
C: Oh babe, yep, I like it , I like it a lot. (she grinned)   
Charity saw Ness looking longingly at her, so she deliberately drew her hands down the white fitted shirt she was wearing, from the collar down to her waist, pausing momentarily and teasingly at her trouser waistband.  
Ness licked her lips. Charity laughed, and winked at her.  
Keeping eye contact with Ness, Charity continued on down stretching her hands out and down over her tight trousers, down her thighs, til she bent into a squatting position and bounced slightly on her heels trying to stretch one leg out Cossack style to show off her very shiny black boots.  
N: Oh my….Charity  
Charity smirked and tried to swop legs but misjudged her hand supporting herself and her bottom hit the carpet  
N: Oh babe are you okay?  
C: Aw babe, you called me babe too, I like that! Here, help me up would you? (Charity held her hand out for Ness to grasp)  
N: Oooohup! (Ness went toppling on top of Charity)  
C: ha ah ha ha ha haaa gotcha! Come ‘ere (Charity plants another big kiss on Ness’ lips)  
Front door opens and Moses & Johnny run into the lounge  
Tracy: Ness! Are you in?  
Ness and Charity reluctantly part lips   
N: We’re upstairs! I’ll be right there!  
Tracy rolls her eyes at the kids, Moses laughs  
Johnny: Are Mummy and Mummy Charity having another lie down Auntie Tracy?  
Tracy tries not to laugh: Yes I think so Johnny, they get tired quickly now they’re in their 40s you know!  
Moses: What’s 40s? Is that old Auntie Tracy?  
Ness comes down the stairs: Oi! Auntie Tracy we can hear you you know!  
Tracy smirks at her, Ness rolls her eyes but is smiling.  
Ness opens her arms wide, as if introducing the star act: Ladies, and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls! I give you ….Prince Charming! Woop woop (she starts clapping and nods to the boys to clap too)  
M: What have you done with my mummy?!  
N: Er er what do you mean? We were just…um…um  
C: It’s me Moses, I’m just pretending to be Prince Charming. See, my hair’s tied back it’s me darling  
M: Oh mummy, I know, I was pretending!  
Charity looked puzzled: Oh right, where did you learn to do …that?  
Ness looks back at her equally puzzled, they both look quizzically at Tracy  
T: Nothing to do with me! He must just take after his mum….being good at pretence ha ha  
Charity rolled her eyes at Tracy, but smiling.  
J: Mummy Charity? (Johnny tugs at her sleeve)  
C: (Charity looks down at him) Yes darlin?  
J: Have you had a good rest? Can we play cowboys and Indians again later?  
C: Ha ha er yes, course Johnny, anything for you babe! (she picks him up and twirls him sideways)  
J: Agh Mummy Charity put me downnn! Ha ha ha, no don’t tickle me! Ha ha ha ha  
Tracy looks at Ness who is beaming, Tracy winks and gives Ness double thumbs up.  
M: What about me Mummy’s?  
C: Yes of course you too babe (she reaches out with her spare hand and pretends to make a grab for Moses)  
M: Agh mummy no ha ha (he runs behind the sofa)  
Ness creeps up to him and tickles him mercilessly   
M: Agh Mummy Ness no! ha ha ha ha  
Tracy whips her phone out and takes a video snapshot of this perfect family scene.


	5. Dress rehearsals - part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dress rehearsals, part 2 to come next chapter!

Bob: I like the outfit Charity, is it all your own work?  
Charity looks indignantly at him: I can dress myself thank you, but as it happens this wonderful look is all down to Ness  
Bob: Ah Ms Woodfield, of course, Harriet did mention she had some ideas for Prince Charming’s wardrobe! (He wanders off to greet the Ugly Sisters)  
Charity smiles and mutters: Soon to be Mrs Dingle  
Harriet: Where did you get that waistcoat from?  
Charity spun around to face Harriet  
Charity: Why what’s wrong with it?  
Harriet: I wasn’t having a go it looks very dapper  
Charity: Oh sorry, it’s just  
Harriet: You’re used to people taking the mick?  
Charity: Yeah something like that. It’s Rodney’s apparently  
Harriet: Rodders? Ha ha ha ha  
Charity: Oi! I thought you weren’t ..?  
Harriet: Nope, not taking the mick nope, ah ha ha ha ha (she laughed walking off)  
Charity: Psst! Ness! (she waves her over) Are you sure this waistcoat looks alright?  
Ness: Yes, of course. Are you doubting my prowress as wardrobe mistress Prince Charming?  
Charity: No babe, not at all. It’s just Harriet fell about laughing when I said it was Rodney’s  
Ness: Oh babe, it’s not like you to be worried about what someone says?  
Charity: I’m not, I…I didn’t want anyone to be laughing about…you….what you’ve chosen for me  
Ness: Aw babe, thank you! (she stands on tip toe to peck Charity on the cheek)  
Charity: And I don’t want to look silly….  
Ness: Charity! You don’t look silly, they are all just jealous that’s all, that I’ve bagged myself the gorgeous Prince Charming.  
Charity smiles and feels a bit more confident, takes Ness’ hand in hers, bows and kisses the back of her hand, like a true Prince; and then says: And I, the prettiest Cinderella in all the land.  
Chas walks past behind them and mutters: Bleurgh! Pass the sick bag!   
She rolls her eyes at Charity who glares at her.  
Rodney sidles up to them: Ah Charity I’m so glad it fits you!  
Charity raises her eyebrows  
Rodney: Oh sorry ha ha no, I didn’t mean it would be too small for you, I’m glad it’s not really baggy on you.  
Ness: Thanks Rodney for coming to the rescue I did have one of my own in mind for Charity, I mean Prince Charming, but mine was too small, because it was from what my parents thought was a passing phase when I was 14!  
Rodney: Well, as you all know I do have quite an array of brightly coloured waistcoats but I thought the one you chose was rather apt Ness, you know being as you’re both….rainbow…  
Charity: Warriors?  
Rodney: Ah ha, ha ha, no no I wasn’t…  
Ness: It’s okay Rodney I know what you meant, that’s why I chose it too  
Charity: How come you’ve got a rainbow designed waistcoat anyway Rodders?  
Rodney: Ah well it was a present from one of the grandchildren, their mother asked them to choose one, and they’d recently left the Rainbow group in the Brownies you see…  
Charity: Ah yes, makes sense, yeah (she said, nodding and smiling at Rodney).  
Bob shouts to everyone: Can you all come over please? I need to see a line up of you in your costumes, to check everyone has all they need to portray their characters properly, thank you, yes in a line…  
Ness scuttles off behind the makeshift screen to quickly change into her costume.  
Chas: This is just the village panto Bob, you’re not on Broadway you know..  
Bob: Yes, thanks Chas, you don’t need to talk in character just yet, just let me see the costumes  
Charity: What part are you playing anyway Chas, you never said?  
Chas: Lady Tremaine  
Charity: Who?  
Chas: The wicked stepmother ha ha ha ha haaa so watch out!  
Charity: I like your mask  
Chas: I’m not….oh ha ha very funny!  
Charity smirked and turned away to dutifully stand in the line up.  
Bob walked to the first person in the line of villagers who had volunteered themselves for the panto roles.   
April stood next to him, clipboard in hand, ready to tick each person off, once Bob had said their costumes were okay.  
Bob: Right, hello everyone thank you for coming, and for sorting your own costumes out, we don’t have much of a budget as I’m sure you know, so every little bit of community spirit helps. If you wouldn’t mind keeping conversations to a whisper while I check everyone out…  
Marlon putting on a high ladies voice: Oh Bob you naughty man!  
Bob: Yes, thank you Marlon, very funny  
Paddy looked at Marlon and they sniggered together like school girls  
Marlon rolled his eyes at April, hoping he’d get a laugh but she just looked at them sternly.  
Charity: Which ugly sister are you?  
Paddy: The pretty one  
Marlon: No, I am.  
Paddy: Oh no you’re not!  
Charity: Oh yes he is! Has the panto started ladies? Ha ha ha  
Marlon: No…  
Charity: I thought by the nature of the title you are ‘ugly’ sisters??  
Paddy: Yes, but I’m still prettier than he is  
Charity: Seriously?! You are actually bickering over which of you is prettier? Ha ha ha haa  
Bob: Can we have a bit of quiet up there please? …Oh trust you Dingles to be the troublemakers!  
Charity looked indignant: Excuse me a moment Bob, if it wasn’t for us ‘Dingles’ you’d only have half a cast!  
Bob scans his eyes up the line of volunteers: Ah yes, I see what you mean. My apologies, but can you keep it to a whisper please, April and I are doing an important job here aren’t we April?  
April: Yes. As Assistant Director, I second what Bob says.  
Charity: Sorry Miss April.  
April: Thank you Sweet Charity  
Marlon: I think that’s from a musical April darling but…  
April glares at Marlon and he shuts up. April smirks and turns to look at the next volunteer.


	6. Dress rehearsals - part 2

Bob: Which ugly sister are you Paddy?  
Charity: The prettier one apparently  
Bob: Aren’t they both meant to be ugly?  
April: Yes, but Daddy’s prettier than Paddy  
Paddy looks sad, and Marlon is smiling  
Marlon: Aw thank you April, my lovely gorgeous talented funny daughter  
April: Okay there’s no need to go overboard Daddy, you’re only just  
Marlon: Just what?  
Charity: Only just prettier than Paddy, right?  
April: Yup, you got it Charity! High five sweet Charity!  
April holds her hand up and Charity laughs then ‘high fives’ her.  
Marlon tilts his head questioningly at Charity  
Charity: What? This lovely girl is what you’ve made Marlon…nothing to do with me! Ha ha  
Bob: So which ugly sister is the prettier one?  
Paddy: I told you, I am  
Marlon: Oh no he’s not  
Charity: Oh crickey not again, stick to the script ladies please!  
April: They are both ugly, that’s what it says in the notes Director Bob  
Bob: That’s what I thought, thank you Assistant Director April  
April smiles at Marlon & Paddy who pretend to look sad.  
Paddy: I’m Ugly sister Anastasia  
Marlon: Yeah he’s the posh one, being as he’s a clever vet and all  
Paddy looked taken aback at Marlon’s back-handed compliment  
Marlon ignored Paddy: And I’m ugly sister Drizella  
Paddy starts singing out of tune: Ella, ella, ella, needs a big umbrella, ella, ella….  
Charity: ha ha ha ha ha haaa (and rolled her eyes at April who laughed).  
Bob: Very tuneful Paddy, shall we do the musical version of Cinderella?  
Paddy: Sorry Bob, no thanks Bob, no no that wouldn’t be good, no I can’t sing  
Charity: No kidding?!  
Bob: Okay so let’s have a bit of order shall we ladies and gentlemen  
Charity put her right forefinger to her lips and gestured for the line of volunteers to hush.  
Bob: So, to continue ,Prince Charming, present and correct  
April: Tick  
Bob: Ugly sisters one and two, present with matching bloomers, extra points there lads, looking good  
Charity wolf whistled  
Bob: Yea thank you Charity, as you were  
Charity rolled her eyes again, and again April laughed.  
Bob: April?  
April: Tick, Tick  
Bob: Thank you, and next along we have….where’s Chas gone?  
Charity: Call of nature I believe  
Bob: Ah, okay. Vanessa? Where’s Vanessa?  
Ness: Just coming Bob  
Charity sniggers to herself  
Ness mutters to herself: Oh fiddlesticks, I can’t zip it all the way up myself (gives up and starts to move from behind the screen anyway)  
Bob: Ness?  
Ness: Ta’da, will I do? (she comes around from behind the screen dressed in an off the shoulder cream ballgown with a really wide wire framed skirt)  
Charity steps forward out of the line: Wow, babe, oh I can’t wait to waltz the night away with you at the ball  
Ness beams and steps forward to take Charity’s hands in hers. She reaches up on tiptoe and whispers breathily in her ear: Me too babe, and at our wedding  
Charity: Oh! (and she blushes)  
Bob: Are you okay there Prince Charming?  
Charity stumbles back and Marlon catches her in his arms  
Charity: Oh pretty maiden! You’ve saved me however can I thank you?  
Marlon: Oh s’alright it was nothing, I, I…  
Marlon pauses with Charity sagging further down in his arms, Ness tries to bend down to help but finds she can’t bend with the big frame in her skirt.  
Ness: Oh! Er (she gestures for Marlon to lay Charity on the floor)  
Charity looks wide eyed at Ness, who looks apologetic.  
Marlon: Oops sorry! (as he drops Charity)  
Charity: Ow! Marlon!  
Marlon in high pitched voice: Marlon? I’m not Marlon! I’m Drizella, I’m a lady!  
Paddy: Ella ella ella….  
April: Miss Anastasia please!  
Paddy: Sorry Miss April  
Ness is circling on herself desperately trying to work out how to bend when she’s got a huge wired frame under her skirt, that’s preventing her.  
April: Cinderella?  
Ness: Yes?  
April: Stoop down a minute and I’ll unzip you  
Ness looks around not wanting to be exposed in front of everyone  
Paddy: Surely you’ve got a braziere on under that?  
Ness: Well, I didn’t think, I just changed out of my jeans and top …  
Paddy: Come on Marlon, I’ll take the legs, you…(he gestured for Marlon to carry Charity under her arms)  
Charity: What are you mad ugly ladies doing?!  
Paddy: I just thought…  
Charity: Well don’t, it doesn’t suit you  
Paddy: I just thought we could carry you behind the screen then Ness can tend to your aches and pains…Prince bloomin’ Charmin’ my bottom!  
Ness: Thanks Paddy that was very thoughtful of you  
Charity: Thanks Paddy that was…  
Ness: Charity!  
Charity: (sighing) Sorry babe! I’m sorry Paddy. I’m okay, thanks ladies I can get up myself  
Marlon rolls his eyes at April, who does laugh this time.  
Charity glares at April.  
April: Sorry sweet Charity  
Charity smiles and pretends to wag cross finger at April.  
Charity: Oo ow! Owww oo ah oo ah owww (she says as she gets back on her feet, and rubs her hand over her bruised coccyx)  
Ness: Oh babe, I’m sorry, let’s get you checked out  
Paddy: You’re a vet not a doctor Ness  
Ness: It’s all fairly similar in the scheme of things…  
Charity: Babe!  
Ness: ha ha ha ha come here my beautiful Prince Charming  
Charity hobbles over to Ness who puts her arm around her waist and they disappear behind the screen  
Bob checks April’s list: Oh well I don’t know where we are on this now, is Chas back yet?  
Chas: Behind you!  
Bob: Oh no you’re n…oh yes you are! (he turns and sees her coming out of the toilets)  
April: Present and correct?  
Bob: Yes, Chas as the evil stepmother, yup Miss April, present and correct thank you  
April: Tick  
Bob: Who’s left?  
April consults the list.  
Charity: Ohh yes babe, just there.Mmm ohh yes oh my, yes, oh you have got healing hands babe…  
Bob: Okay! I think that’s enough for now, I think we can resume this tomorrow. All those of you I haven’t checked yet and anyone who’s not here now, I’ll do you all tomorrow if you can make it?  
Heads were nodding all around the room  
Bob: Thanks, sorry for the short notice email or text me if you cant make it and we’ll sort something else out, otherwise same time tomorrow for costume checks thank you. Then half an hour after that we’ll start a run through of the lines, yes? Everyone should know their own parts by now?  
Charity from behind the screen: Oh no we don’t!  
Ness from behind the screen: Oh yes we do  
Paddy: Oh no we don’t  
Marlon: Oh yes we do  
April: Oh no you don’t daddy, you still keep messing that one line up, I’ll coach you later!  
Marlon rolled his eyes at Paddy  
Ness: We’ll lock up Bob, don’t worry we’ll get the key back to Harriet, I just need to give Prince Charming a bit more of a massage first…


	7. Costume checks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day...

Bob: Thanks ladies and gents if you can just get in a…  
Charity: Line, yes think we know that now Bob  
Bob: Huh! I’m not sure everyone has got the memo though Charity have they? (he says, looking down the wobbly line of panto volunteers)  
Paddy and Marlon narrowly miss being run into by Johnny and Moses.  
Charity: Moses! Johnny! Ness? Can you give us a hand here babe, I think they’ve quaffed some of that mulled wine over there, why are they being terrors today? I thought they’d love being in the panto.  
Ness peeked out from behind the screen and beckoned her over to her.  
Charity walked over to Ness: What?  
Ness: Er sorry babe, I think it might be my fault they’re hyper  
Charity raised her eyebrows enquiring.  
Ness: We passed a street fayre on the way home from playgroup and they were selling off great tall sticks of Candy Floss…  
Charity: Seriously? The amount of times you tell me off for buying the kids sweets??!  
Ness: I know, sorry, but I only bought one, it reminded me of the odd times dad used to take me to the fair and buy me one. He’d stick it under his chin and say it was a beard, or pretend to put it on his head and said he was a smurf!  
Charity: A smurf?  
Ness: Yeah…well it made me laugh at the time  
Charity: O-kay, so how much did Moses and Johnny eat babe, because they are flying around the walls here!  
Ness: They only had a small bit each…  
Charity: A small bit? (she gestures with her thumb and forefinger close together to signify ‘small’)  
Ness: Er well no ah possibly a bit more than a small bit…  
Charity raised her eyebrows again  
Ness: Okay well, yes, I split it into three and shared it evenly with them….but it was sooo nice!  
Charity: Babe!  
Ness: Sorry babe (Ness looks apologetic, but hopes by calling Charity ‘babe’ as well it will soften her!)  
Charity: Well that explains the sticky paw print Moses put on my bum earlier! I’m kinda relieved to know what it was now, I guess.  
Ness: Oh sorry babe, has he ruined the lovely costume I made up for you?  
Charity: Now you’re bothered!  
Ness gestures for Charity to turn around so she can inspect the seat of her trousers. She starts smoothing her hand over Charity’s bottom.  
Charity: Is it that bad? I feel like I’m being propositioned at security here!  
Ness: Seriously, you mind me, doing that?  
Charity: No of course I’m enjoying it babe, what do you think, I love it when you feel me up in public.  
Ness: Charity!  
Charity: How much candy floss has he left there?  
Ness: None  
Charity: None? So you’re just feeling me up because you want to?  
Ness: Pretty much, yep ha ha  
Charity turns around and Ness winks at her.  
Charity: Vanessa! I didn’t know this was your thing! PDA everywhere from now on babe.  
Charity licks her lips, and smiles widely. Ness ducks behind the screen again, Charity peers around it at her.  
Ness: Charity!  
Charity: What? I can’t look at you getting changed?  
Ness: No, I just wanted to show you the whole outfit as one.  
Charity: Okay babe (she turns her back on her to face the line up of volunteers)  
Ness: Oh heck.  
Charity: Do you need a hand there babe?  
Silence from Ness  
Charity: Babe?  
Ness: Uh-urgh!  
Charity peers around the screen to look at Ness  
Charity: ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa!! Oh babe! Come here…  
Ness backs up to Charity, and lets her untangle the tassels that are now caught up in her zip  
Bob: Vanessa! …Have you seen her April?  
April: She’s with Charity behind the screen again  
Bob: Uh oh, well I, I, I’ll leave them for a moment, Charity is probably helping Ness put on her costume  
April: I can go and tell them to get a shift on if you like Director Bob?  
Bob: No, no, thanks April, but no need. I’m sure they won’t be long  
April: O-kay Director Bob, I’ll stay here.  
Bob: Okay that’s good April.  
April: I wouldn’t be shocked by anything they might be doing though Director Bob.  
Bob raises his eyebrows, questioning.  
April: They are both grown ups, and they love each other, so why do so many other grown ups think that’s odd? I don’t understand the world sometimes…  
April sighed, tucked her clipboard under her left armpit and folded her arms. She looked up at Bob.  
Bob: How did you become so wise Miss April?  
April: Assistant Director April to you, Director Bob!  
Bob: Oh yes, sorry, yes. (and he saluted her and smiled)  
April: JOHNNY AND MOSES WILL YOU PLEASE STOP RUNNING ABOUT, COME HERE AND SIT DOWN NOW!  
Everyone stopped in their tracks, shocked at such a big voice coming out of a small girl.  
Bob: April! …. Assistant Director April!  
April: What?  
Johnny and Moses toddled over to her and dutifully plonked themselves on the floor kneeling at her feet.  
April to Bob: It worked didn’t it? (she smiled)  
Charity had stuck her head around the edge of the screen, she now mouthed ‘thank you’ to April, and gave her a double thumbs up.  
April: Is Cinders ready yet sweet Charity?  
Charity: We’re nearly there, sorry, she’s just had a malfunction with her costume….I’ve had to pull a few tassels out to free the zip.  
April taps her watch: ETA?  
Charity: Oh, ha ha um, if you and Bob carry on down the line I’ll get Ness out in a jiffy.  
April: An envelope??  
Charity: Eh?  
April: You said in a jiffy, that’s what you post things in isn’t it?  
Charity: Oh, er yes yes, it is April but it’s also an old word for meaning ‘being out soon’. It’s been around for about two hundred years.  
April: Oh, I see, I didn’t realise you were that old sweet Charity.  
Charity went wide eyed and looked indignantly at Marlon. He shrugged his shoulders and tried not to smirk. Ness laughed from behind the screen.  
Charity: Oi babe!  
Ness chuckled again, and Charity disappeared behind the screen to finish sorting out her Cinders costume.  
Bob: So, who do we have here then?  
Moses: Squeak squeak  
Bob: Johnny?  
Johnny: Squeak squeak  
April: The two mice who pull the pumpkin  
Bob: Yup, present and correct, thank you boys, great costumes  
April: Tick, Tick  
Moses grinned at Johnny who smiled back.  
Bob: Cain? What are you doing here? I hope you’re not here to cause trouble!  
Cain: I came here to help, if you don’t need me, I’ll gladly go…  
Bob: No, no, hang on, have we got some absentees Assistant Director April?  
April checks her list: Oh yes sorry Director Bob, I forgot. Jamie and Billy can’t take part now.  
Bob: Why ever not?  
April: Man flu I believe!  
Bob: What? Both of them?  
April sighs then says: Apparently. I think they’re just excuses myself.  
Paddy whispers to Marlon: When did April become so worldy-wise?!  
Marlon whispers back: I’m not sure, it’s a bit disconcerting isnt it, hmm!  
Bob: Okay, so what parts were they playing?  
April: The two horses  
Charity from behind the screen: Pah ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!!!  
Cain: That’s it I’m off (he turns to go)  
Bob: No wait, please, we’re very glad you volunteered to step in Cain, thank you  
Cain: I didn’t, but Chas said I could have a few free drinks if I did…  
Charity peers around the screen: Oh she did did she!  
Chas: Oh yes I did  
Charity, Oh no! You didn’t, did you?  
Chas: Yes I did. Now stop blethering the lot of you, can we get on with this Bob, I’ve got a pub to get back to since Charity is on another day off!  
Charity rolls her eyes at Chas and disappears back behind the screen.  
Cain: So I’m a flamin’ panto horse, which end?  
Charity from behind the screen: Which end do you normally take?  
Vanessa from behind the screen: Charity!  
Bob: You’re not an end, you’re a whole horse  
Cain: Oh that makes me feel a whole lot better, I don’t think!  
Bob: It’s fine, you’re one of the horses that the mice turn into to pull the carriage  
Cain: Eh? How are we gonna show that on a piddly stage exactly Bob?  
Bob: Aha that’s easy you and the other horse hide behind the carriage as it comes on stage, then at the moment of change we let off a couple of puffs of smoke, the kids run off stage and you two appear at the front of the carriage!  
Cain sarcastically does ‘jazz hands’ and says: Ta’da!  
Bob: Yes. Have you got a problem with doing that?  
Cain shakes his head to the side: Me? Nope no problem Bob cos I’m not doing it (he turns to go again)  
Chas: Cain c’mon it’s worth a few pints isnt it? Surely? I mean you’re happy to play the fool with your kids, how is this any different?  
Cain looks unconvinced.  
Chas: Look, you don’t have to speak, maybe a bit of whineying (Cain starts to leave) No wait! Cain! (He stops). I can do the whineying from off stage for you. You only have to do a couple of high steps like the horses are prancing (Cain starts to leave again) No Cain! (he stops) Just a couple of steps, pull the carriage, boom, you’re done.  
Chas looks at Cain pleadingly.  
Chas: C’mon, do it for the kids, eh? You’ll have a papier mache horses head on so no one will know it’s you anyway  
Cain looked at her as if to say ‘you think?’  
Chas: Go on, you know you want to really?  
Cain: What’s the rest of the costume look like?  
Chas: Bob?  
Bob: Just any smart white clothing you’ve got will do really  
Cain: Have you seen what I normally wear Bob?  
Charity calls out: Yeah white and smart isn’t really part of Cain’s wardrobe Bob  
Cain: Hush woman!  
Charity: ha ha ha ha haa  
Chas: Ah c’mon Cain don’t be defeatist, you’ve got or you can borrow a white shirt surely?  
Cain: Possibly  
Chas: We might struggle a bit more with the white leggings  
Cain starts to leave again  
Chas: Cain! Stop. I’m joking. White jeans or any trousers will do wont they Bob?  
Bob: Yeah, I’m sure the menfolk of Emmerdale will be falling over themselves to lend you their ‘smart white’ clothing Cain  
Cain: Yeah to laugh at me, they wouldn’t usually be so charitable  
Chas: Well you’d do the same, so what’s the difference!  
Cain rolls his eyes, and sighs: Yes. I suppose so. Okay I’ll do it.  
Chas: Thank you, now that wasn’t so hard, was it. (she smiles at Cain, then turns to Bob)  
Bob: Thank you Cain, and thanks Chas. So who is playing the other horse?  
Chas: Sam  
Bob: And where is he?  
Chas: Sorry he said he couldn’t be here today as this is the time he feeds the pigs  
Bob: Well I suppose that’s okay since he doesn’t have any lines  
Cain: Why am I here then?  
Chas: Because we need to make sure the papier mache horses head fits you  
Cain: Why isnt Sam here then?  
Charity calls out: Because you’re a big head!  
Chas rolls her eyes: I took them both round to Sam and found which fitted him best  
Cain: So I’ve got the dregs?  
Charity calls out: No you’ve got the big one!  
Chas: Here! (she plonks the horses head on Cain)  
Chas: What she says  
Cain: Oi!  
Charity: Oi!  
Chas: Oi yourselves!  
Bob: Okay ladies and gents a bit of decorum we do have children about today, please.  
Chas: Sorry Bob  
Cain muffled under the horses head: Suffy Bod  
Charity peeks round the screen, and stifles a laugh, seeing Cain: Sorry Bob  
Bob: Thank you. Is Vanessa ready yet?  
Charity: Nearly!  
Bob: Okay Assistant Director April, so you can tick off the two horses  
April: Tick, Tick  
Bob: Who’s left?  
April checks their list: The fairy godmother, the King, and Cinderella  
Bob: Do we have volunteers for the first two?  
Chas: Belle said she’ll be the fairy godmother but she’s running late sorry  
Bob: Ah good to know  
Chas: Well I’m telling you now aren’t I?  
Belle runs in in costume: Sorry I’m late everyone I was helping Jamie out  
Bob: I thought he was sick?  
Belle: He is poor lamb, you know what men are like when they get a cold  
Bob: I thought he had the flu?  
April: No I said he had man flu, Director Bob, but that’s what a cold is to men isnt it?  
Bob: Well it’s worse for us men, you ladies just don’t understand…  
April rolled her eyes at Chas: Yeah right!  
Bob: Anyway! Where were we? Belle…  
Belle: Yes Bob?  
Bob: Your costume, it’s it’s a bit…  
Belle: What?  
Bob: Modern?  
Belle: Is it? It’s just what I wear really  
Bob: Well, exactly, it’s not very fairy godmothery is it?  
Belle folded her arms and looked at him: Well what would you suggest instead Bob? Since you obviously have so much more experience as dressing up as a fairy godmother than I do!  
Bob: There’s no need to be like that Belle, I didn’t mean..  
Belle: If it wasn’t for me there wouldn’t be a fairy godmother, no one else wanted to do it…  
Bob: Didn’t they? Oh.  
Belle: I do have wings and a wand as well you know, I just didn’t want to wear them outside, the winds getting up now I didn’t want to damage my wings!  
Bob: Oh right, well that’s okay  
Belle: Look I’ve got a picture of them on my phone to show you, so you can see if the whole look is okay? Here..  
Bob looks at the photo on her phone of Belle in the outfit she’s in but with wings on her back and a wand in her hand.  
Bob: Ah that looks great, thanks Belle, yes no that’s fine  
April: Tick?  
Bob: Yes April, Fairy Godmother can be ticked off  
Chas: I think she just was Bob ha ha ha  
Bob: What? Oh yes I see what you did there, very droll  
Chas rolled her eyes at Belle, who now smiled.  
April: Tick. Cinderella are you ready yet?  
Ness: I’m just coming April darling  
Charity muttered: If only, we can’t get a moments peace lately  
Bob: Pardon?  
Charity walked from behind the screen: Nothing Bob. Drum roll please ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…Miss Cinders, Ta’da!  
Ness walked from behind the screen, curtseyed to Bob, and joined the line of volunteers.  
Bob: Ah Vanessa, you look great  
Vanessa twirled to show Bob and April all of her Cinders tatty dress.  
Bob: Oh  
Ness: What?  
Bob: I think you’ve still got a tassel caught in the zip  
Ness: Have I? Oh, no we left one in as Charity couldn’t get it unstuck, I’ll get it out at home and tidy it up.  
Bob: Okay well that’s your second costume sorted then yes, thank you.  
April: Tick  
Bob: So that just leaves the…  
April: King  
Bob: Yes, the King, left to check, where is he?  
Tracy runs in: Sorry I’m late guys the buses were all full I couldn’t back from town in time!  
Bob: Tracy?  
Tracy: Yes Bob.  
Bob: I don’t mean to be rude but why are you here?  
Tracy: If that’s how you treat volunteers I wish I hadn’t bothered  
Bob: Sorry love, I meant I don’t think we have any roles left for you?  
April: Tracy is the King  
Bob: Is she?!  
Ness: Ah Trace you look fab  
Charity: I’m not sure you’ve got the right outfit on though babe?  
Tracy: You said the King, I can play the King, why does it have to be a man?  
Charity: True you’ve got a point there, but where’s your crown?  
Tracy: What do I need a crown for?  
Bob: That’s kind of what King’s traditionally wear Tracy  
Tracy: Well I know Royal ones do, but I’m not that kind of King am I?  
Bob: Well that is generally what the story calls for in this pantomime, I think there’s been a mix up in communication here…April?  
April: Yes Director Bob?  
Bob: What exactly did you ask daddy to do?  
April: I asked daddy to ask if anyone would like to be the King!  
Bob: Marlon?  
Marlon looks sheepish: Yes Bob?  
Bob: What did you say exactly  
Marlon: I didn’t do it deliberately  
Bob raised his eyebrows  
Marlon: No really I didn’t. I was in the pub, I’d asked lots of people and no one wanted to be in the panto, so when Tracy came in I asked if she wanted to play the King.  
Bob: Yes?  
Marlon: And Tracy said ‘what really? Me? I get to play The King’? So I said yeah course why not, haw haw haw  
Bob looked at him.  
Marlon: I just did it for a joke, I thought Tracy would know which King I meant  
Tracy: Ah Marlon! I’ll have to take this Elvis outfit back to the shop now!


	8. Line run through

Bob: Well not now love we haven’t got time, you can stay like that for our line run through  
Tracy: Well I’ll have to I haven’t got any other clothes with me!  
Chas: What you came from town dressed as Elvis?! Good on ya girl!  
Tracy: No I went home and quickly changed into it. Still, I’m glad to see I’m not the only daft one here, hello Dobbin Cain, the mane man, chatting with the neighhhbours I see ha ha haa  
Cain: Whad! Howd air ooo urrgh! (he tried yanking the horses head off but it got stuck)   
Chas: Cain! Careful they’ve lasted many shows, don’t break it now (she went to help him take the head off gently)  
Chas managed to lift it slightly, enough for Cain to breathe better and for everyone to hear what he was trying to say.  
Cain: I thought you said no one would know it was me under here! I’m off…(and he turned to go)  
Chas: Cain! Stop it! You’re worse than the kids for heavens sake! Once you’ve got the right colour clothes on to complete the outfit no one will know it’s you!  
Cain: Tracy knew straight away and she’s not the shiniest tool in the box!  
Tracy: Oi! I didn’t come here to be insulted!  
Cain: No you came here looking like a crap impersonator!  
Tracy: Well I didn’t have to be Einstein to guess it was you, apart from the horses head, you are dressed as Cain Dingle, durr!  
Cain realised his error, but didn’t want to admit to it, so stuck his middle finger up at her!  
Tracy: Oi! (she went to slap him but thought better of it and got her phone out instead) Smile, you’re on camera! Ha ha ha haa perfect! (she smiled at the shots she captured of him at all angles, whilst still donning the horses head).And…send.  
Cain: What have you done!  
Tracy: Just put them on my insta, no one you know goes on there, it’s fine ha ha haa, are you okay there under your disguise?  
Cain huffed: No, do one!  
Tracy: No skin off my nose (she wandered over to Vanessa to admire her outfit)  
Cain: Ow! What was that for?  
Chas: There are kids about Cain, did you have to do that gesture!   
Cain: Oh I’m sure they know worse than that already  
Chas: That’s as maybe, but they don’t need to see you doing it  
Cain: Fine. Have you loosened this damn head yet?  
Chas: Er hang on (she let the head drop back on his shoulders, and went over to Bob and April)  
Cain: Has! Has! Air yoo gon…has? (he sounded muffled, and blindly stumbled forward with his hands out in front of him)  
Paddy: Oi! Just cos I’m a vet, I am a lady here you know.  
Marlon stopped Cain walking into anyone else and lifted the horses head slightly.  
Cain: What did I walk into?  
Paddy: My bosom!  
Cain: There’s a sentence I never want to hear coming out of your mouth again!  
Paddy puts on a high ladies voice: Oi I am a lady I’ll have you know, please show some respect old man  
Cain: Old?!  
Paddy in his high ladies voice again: Young man, the mane man, yeah.  
Cain: What’s Chas doing?  
Marlon: Well there’s lots of gesturing and miming going on, so I’m not sure, but I would guess they are trying to figure out if you can wear this head until the panto. (he smirked at Paddy)  
Cain stepped onto Marlon’s toes: If you want to make it to the panto you might wanna help me out of this flamin thing!   
Marlon in his high ladies voice: Ow ow ow okay you can step back now please sir, please! Anastasia would you mind aiding me extracate Master Cain from beneath his misdemeanour here?  
Paddy rolled his eyes at Marlon, but stepped forward to help budge the horses head. He didn’t want Cain to stand on his toes or do anything else that would generate pain towards him.  
Cain: Thank you ladies, how kind of you to help.  
They struggled for a moment, trying to inch it up over his face, but it was still a tight fit. Charity, Tracy and Ness were stood quietly laughing at the spectacle. Chas, Bob and April were no nearer a solution.  
Belle walked over and looked under Cain’s chin: Look the neck hole is oblong, if you just twist it…that way…then Cain can get his head out .  
Paddy and Marlon thought they had tried every which way, but tried to smile graciously at Belle anyway. They nodded at her, looked at each other, and then twisted the horses head the way Belle had said and…  
Cain: At last!   
The head came shooting off and Paddy and Marlon fell back on the floor. Luckily they had padded bottoms on under their skirts so this helped cushion their fall.  
Charity: Pah ha ha ha ha haaaa!!  
Chas looked around: Oh thank heaven!....Oh my poor Paddy are you okay babe?  
April: Oh daddy! What are you doing now rolling around on the floor!  
Marlon: Yeah I’m fine, thanks for asking  
April helped him get up, and Chas brushed her hand down Paddy’s skirts to knock the dust off  
Bob: I might have known trouble would follow you around Cain  
Cain: I’m off  
Chas: Cain, get back here now!  
Cain stopped, took a big deep breath, paused, then walked back to everyone, picking up the folorn horses head on his way.  
Bob: Right, so scripts out please, grab a chair, form a circle and let’s begin this read through at last, time’s getting on we’ve not that many days before we’ve got to perform this properly.  
April: I can say a prayer if you like Director Bob? I think we might need it.  
Bob: Oh thanks April  
April: I mean I don’t believe there’s anyone up there, but Harriet seems to think there is and I like her so it cant do any harm, can it?  
Bob: No, it cant do any harm, thanks April.  
\--  
Nearly two hours had gone by…  
Bob: Okay I think that’ll do for today, thank you everyone, most of you have got your lines sussed out, well done, those who haven’t quite yet, not mentioning any names..  
Marlon saw Bob look at him however.  
Bob: Can you just practise practise practise, just repeating the lines over and over, that’s what gets them stuck in your head.  
Tracy: When are we meeting next to run it through actually on the stage?  
Bob: In two days time everyone?  
There was a collective groan  
Bob: C’mon you’ll be fine, you’ve mostly got it, now all you need to do is act it out, it’ll be fine  
April looked at him, and saw he had all his fingers crossed under his file.  
Tracy: I’m not sure I can get a King’s outfit sorted by then Bob?  
Bob: You know what Tracy, I think you’ll be better as Elvis, it’ll give our panto a talking point  
Tracy: You mean everyone will laugh at me? Thanks  
Bob: No, no, seriously I think it will be a good twist to the tale. I mean you did the ‘haw haw haw’ ad lib when you read your first line anyway, so I think it works  
Tracy: Really?  
Bob: Yes really. What does everyone else think, show of hands for Tracy as Elvis?  
Everyone smiled, and all but Cain put their hands up. Chas looked disapprovingly at him. He rolled his eyes at her, and slowly put his hand up as well.  
Bob: Great that settles it then, please make a note of that Assistant Director April, and we’re good to go  
April: Roger.  
Bob: Who?  
April: Tick  
Charity: C’mon babe let’s get you home and untangled.  
Ness: Will you carry me over the threshold like a proper Prince Charming?  
Charity: I know you’re small babe but I don’t want to do me back in!  
Ness: Charity!  
Charity: ha ha ha (she winked at Ness)  
Tracy: I’ll give you lovebirds some peace shall I, I can take Johnny and Moses to the café for tea after we’ve got changed?  
Charity looked at Ness hopefully  
Ness: Are you sure? Haw haw haw ha ha ha


	9. Date night

Ness was driving them back to Emmerdale.  
Charity put her hand on Ness’ leg: Tracey’s a real good un isnt she babe.  
Ness: She’s a star, we’re very lucky to have her as a stand by babysitter.  
Charity: I love it that she’s taken to being an Auntie any of the kids can turn to, cos my offspring can be a handful at the best of times  
Ness: I think she secretly loves it, having so many kids around; and with Moses and Johnny she can muck about and have a laugh  
Charity: Yeah and there’s nothing better than hearing your little ones laugh, is there babe?  
Ness: Well that and… ha ha ha  
Charity: Babe! Ha ha  
Ness; No, you’re right babe, it is one of the best sounds in the world  
Charity: Are you still talking about the tots?  
Ness: Charity!  
Charity: Ha ha ha ha ha  
Ness: What are those lights up ahead?  
Charity: Where?....oh….weird….I think we’re about to have an encounter of an alien kind  
Ness: I’m not sure about this babe, what is it?! What are we going to do? There’s no where to turn around or pull off the road!  
Charity: Babe, relax. Even if we did I think they’d still find us  
Ness: Would they?! Even with the car lights off and if we lay down low?  
Charity: If they aren’t humans, then I think they have superior technical abilities babe, they will be able to find us by the power of X-ray, from their minds probably!  
Ness: Have you been watching Scully in action in old X-files eps again?  
Charity: Possibly….you know I have a penchant for trouser suits… (she winked at Ness).  
Ness: Oh heck it’s getting closer, what are we going to do?!  
Charity: Are we the only car on this road? I haven’t seen anyone go by for miles. Oh no.  
Ness: What?  
Charity: Do you think whatever it is is taking all the cars?  
Ness: Taking, how exactly?  
Charity: You know, U.F.O hovers over, bright lights shine down and next thing you know, zip! The car is pulled up by some electromagnetic force, and boom, it’s gone!  
Ness looked wide eyed and panicky.  
Charity: Standard alien abduction babe isn’t it?  
Ness: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh, oh thank god! A layby at last….I’ll just pull over here and we can wait it out.   
Ness parked, put the handbrake on, and switched off the car lights. She slunk down in her seat and tried to make herself look smaller than ever. Charity was rather bemused but took her hand in hers and held it tightly.  
Ness: Oh my god, what’s the whining noise?!.... The lights are nearly on us!!  
Charity: Babe..  
Ness: Charity, I love you, you’re my soul mate you know that don’t you?  
Charity: I love you too babe, but I think we’ll be okay  
Ness: If we get through this will you….  
Charity: Aaaggghhh OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, BABE, it IS a UFO!!!  
She grabbed hold of Ness’ shoulder in fright at the brightness that now bathed them in golden light, and put her hands up to shield her eyes from the glare.  
They could hear the sound of creaking metal and shrill whining. They couldn’t see anything but light, but the sound cut right through them.  
Charity scrambled for the door handle on the passenger side, desperate to get out of the car and away, but Ness had locked them in.  
Charity: Babe, I can’t get out, babe!  
Ness: Oh my god, ha ha ha look babe!  
Charity: I don’t think I want to  
Ness: No, look babe, it’s fine. Charity, trust me.  
Ness reached over to Charity and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and stroked it.  
Ness: Sweetheart? Look!  
Slowly Charity turned her head. Her expression turned from wide eyed and panicky to one of smiles and tears of relief, as the lights carried on past them.  
Ness: Oh honey, don’t cry, Oh no.  
Charity sniffed: Sorry. No, I’m okay, that noise it was just….horrendous….I feel a bit silly now…ha ha…sniff.  
Ness: Look at all those colours….oh..wow…they’ve put on a great spectacle….ahh that’s so nice, I wonder where they are off to?  
Charity: Blimey, how many tractors are there? I’ve counted six going past already?!  
Ness: We’ve lived here all this time and I’ve never seen a great parade of tractors decorated in all different ways with lights all colours of the rainbow, trundling along the country road!  
Charity: No, me either babe. Only in Yorkshire eh. (she smiled at Ness and leant over and kissed her on the lips)  
Ness grinned: What was that for?  
Charity: For suggesting we have an impromptu date night, and for driving when we couldn’t get a taxi, thank you.  
Ness: No problem, anything for you my darling.   
The parade of tractors was still streaming past, tractors of all shapes and sizes in the convoy.  
Ness: Look up there, it’s a clear starry night as well, wow.  
Charity: Let me out babe  
Ness: You’re not going to run away are you?!  
Charity: No, ha ha. I thought we could both sit on the bonnet and continue to enjoy this fine parade m’lady.  
Ness: I hope you’ve got your thermals on under that shirt?  
Charity: Possibly….but we’ve both got thick coats in the back there, and there’s that big picnic blanket in the boot isnt there?  
Ness: Yep  
Charity: Good, we can wrap that around ourselves and cuddle together too?  
Ness unlocked the doors and they hurried to gather their coats and the blanket, and then settled together perched on the bonnet of Ness’ car.  
Charity sat with her head rested on Ness’ shoulder, and her right hand tightly holding Ness’ under the blanket. Ness slid her left arm around Charity’s waist and held her tightly.  
They ‘ooed’ and ‘arred’ at the sparkly tractors, as though they were watching a firework display.  
Charity was just thinking how lucky she was, when she noticed a word lit up on the side of one of the tractors.  
Charity: Babe, did you see that?  
Ness: What?  
Charity: That last tractor had ‘Charity’ in lights adorning the side of it?  
Ness: Did it?  
Charity: Yeah unless my eyes are playing tricks on me.  
Ness: It must be a parade in aid of charity then I guess.  
A few more went by with nothing on their side, then another went by with ‘Will’.  
Ness tried to look at Charity without turning her head, she thought she could see Charity starting to grin. She casually stroked Charity’s hair and carried on watching the tractors.  
Charity: Ohh that’s nice babe, I love it when you play with my hair  
Ness: Mmm  
Charity: There’s another! ‘You’….and another ‘Be’ !   
Charity turned to look at Ness, the message dawning on her, and all the trouble Ness had gone to, she presumed, to arrange this!  
Ness smiled and squeezed Charity’s waist: Keep looking at the tractors babe  
Charity: There’s another ‘My’  
More tractors trundled by. Charity beamed and was crying tears of joy. Ness was gently wiping them away from her cheeks.  
Charity: Oh babe, of course I will, I love it, thank you babe, thank you!  
She stroked Ness’ cheek and then cupped her chin and kissed her softly on the lips. Neither wanted to break apart first, and the kiss went on sparking the nerve endings in both of them to make them tingle. The toot of a tractor horn made them break apart, just in time to see the tractor with ‘Wife’ in sparkly lights down its side.  
Ness: I wondered where that one had gone!  
They laughed together. And again as a tractor with a ‘?’ trundled by a few behind the ‘Wife’ one!  
Ness rummaged in her coat pocket and then offered Charity a small bag: Want a sweet sweetie?   
Charity: Oh. Yeah thanks. Oh, I cant see properly you pick one for me, thanks.  
Ness rummaged in the sweet bag and pulled out a gummy ring.   
Ness: Give us your hand  
Charity reached out and Ness grabbed her fingers, and slid the gummy ring on her wedding finger.  
Ness: There you go, wifey  
Charity looked down at her hand, and grinned: Have you got another sweet? I cant take this one off now can I?  
Tractors were still trundling by and Ness knew there would be at least thirty of them. Quite where the one her mate Dave was driving had got to she wasn’t sure. There was a bigger gap between tractors now and the odd random car had got inbetween the convoy. Ness looked down trying to work out how to check her mobile without Charity seeing.  
Charity: Babe? Are you okay?  
Ness: I am so happy right now. I’m just wondering ….  
Charity: If there’s any more tractors to come by?  
Ness: Yeah, something like that  
A few more tractors trundled by and they continued to watch their sparkly creations. Then Ness felt her mobile buzz in her pocket, and then they heard the toot of another tractor horn.  
Ness: Ahh I think…  
A tractor appeared with ‘Convoy End’ written on a banner in neon paint, and tied to its rear.  
Charity: That looks like the last one then, oh….he’s pulling in  
Charity looked at Ness and wondered what other surprises she had got in store for her. So much for Ness not wanting a starring role in the panto, she was brilliant at this acting lark, and keeping secrets, not a bad thing in this scenario though of course, Charity thought.  
Charity watched as a man dressed like a spaceman hopped down from the passenger side of the tractor. He slowly walked over to them as though he was walking on the moon.  
Dave in a stilted voice: I come in peace. Nano nano. Mork & Mindy. X-files. Spooks.  
Ness: Ha ha Dave! Are you just listing alien/ sci fi things you’ve watched?!  
Dave offered a small box to Ness: I come in peace, ha ha.   
Ness: Thanks Dave, better late than never.   
Dave turned and walked normally back to the tractor.  
Ness: Bye Dave, you’re a star, thank you!  
Dave waved over his shoulder, got back in the tractor and it trundled off, hooting its horn down the road. Ness waited til a stream of cars that had got caught behind the convoy had gone by, and then got Charity to hold her phone up so the torch was shining.  
Ness dropped a magazine onto the dirt floor, knelt down on one knee and offered the opened box up to Charity.  
Ness just managed to speak through her tears of joy: Charity, my soulmate, my everything, will you be my wife?  
Charity: YES! A thousand yeses babe, I love you so much!  
Charity pulled Ness up to stand in front of her, and held her left hand out as Ness slid the ring she’d got for Charity onto her wedding ring finger.  
Charity looked at it in amazement.  
Charity: Oh babe! I love it, it’s beautiful. As are you. Come here….


	10. The next morning

Tracy’s in the kitchen area at Jacob’s Fold, sorting out breakfast for Johnny & Moses. The kids are sat at the table doing some colouring. Ness creeps downstairs, looking tired but happy. Tracy turns around excitedly to greet her.  
Tracy grinning: Well? Did all go as planned? Did Dave manage to drive his tractor dressed as an alien?!  
Ness: It was perfect. Well, almost, I didn’t expect Charity to get scared when the “UFO” appeared…  
Tracy: She never! Ha ha ha wait til I…  
Ness: No, Tracy, no don’t tease her. She was really protective of me and kind when she thought I was really scared. I feel a bit bad now pretending and all that, but I just wanted her to be my Knight in shining armour…  
Charity appears at the top of the stairs, but on hearing Ness and Tracy chatting about last night, she quietly sits on the top step to eavesdrop.  
Tracy: We didn’t wake you did we? I got the boys to sit quietly while I sorted them something to eat.  
They both look over at them, the boys notice and Johnny waves at his mum. Ness blows him a kiss.  
Ness: No no, we haven’t heard a peep out of them. Thank you for looking after them last night, and stopping over, you’re a star. Love you (she envelops Tracy in a big hug).  
Tracy: Ha ha, love you too sis, no problem at all, you know I love looking after these cheeky rascals. Actually, they were as good as gold. They’re a credit to you and Charity.  
Charity: Oh!  
Ness: Charity? Are you listening in?  
Charity comes downstairs looking sheepish. Ness gawps at her.  
Charity: Ness!  
Ness: What?  
Charity whispering: I feel like you are undressing me with your eyes!  
Ness winks at her: Maybe I am honey, maybe I am (she licks her lips and smirks)  
Tracy covers her ears: La la la la   
Ness: Tracy!  
Tracy: Well! There are kids about  
Ness rolls her eyes  
Tracy: And I’m so sweet and innocent…  
Charity: Ha ha ha ha haaa!!!  
Tracy rolls her eyes at Charity, then laughs.  
Tracy: So the negligée fitted alright then I see!  
Charity: Is there anything you don’t know about last night?  
Tracy: No I think Ness has filled me in about most of it, and what she hasn’t I could guess!  
Charity smirked. Ness looked puzzled.  
Tracy: You might want to move your bed away from the wall a bit?  
Ness: Oh! Could you..? Did they?..  
Tracy: I could; but the boys were fast asleep you’re okay!  
Ness: Oh sorry  
Tracy: No problem I just put my headphones on and cranked up the music!  
Charity grins: I’ll try to be quieter next time ha ha. Ness, babe, I still cant believe you did all that for me though, the proposal was amazing, I loved it. Thank you again (she walks over to Ness, slides her arms around her waist, and kisses her deeply)  
Tracy clears her throat. They stop kissing but stay with their arms around each other.  
Tracy: Did Dave arrive on time?  
Ness: Ah no ha ha. That’s what woke me, he’s texted this morning.  
Ness explained about the parade of tractors and the erratic order the lit up ones arrived in, and the slight delay in Dave arriving with the engagement ring!  
Charity smiled: But I got a gummy ring in the meantime.  
Tracy looked puzzled. Charity offered her left hand forward to show Tracy the gummy ring still on below her actual engagement ring from Ness.  
Ness: I can’t believe you’re still wearing the gummy ring, but I love you for it  
Charity: Well, I had ideas for you to bite it off me but….  
Tracy covers her ears again: La la la la la  
Charity laughs: But you woke before I could entrap you, so you’ll just have to suck…  
Ness: Charitee!  
Charity: What? The boys don’t understand what I’m talking about  
Ness: Neither do I most of the time  
Charity: Oi, Babe!   
She tickles Ness who squirms, and Charity laughs.  
Ness: Anyway, Dave had ordered an alien costume, but there was a mix up when he went to collect it and all the shop had left in his size was a spaceman costume. He thought that was similar, so agreed to it.  
Tracy: Let me guess, but he couldn’t see with his big helmet?  
Charity: Tracy! Children about! Ha ha  
Ness: Ha, sort of, more that he couldn’t drive with the big space boots on  
Tracy: How big were his feet?  
Charity: Tracy!  
Tracy: Well it’s supposed to be an indication of…  
Ness: Yes yes I know where you’re going with that, thank you!  
Tracy: Well, it was worth a try ha ha  
Ness: So apparently the reason he was late was because he was hurrying to find a mate to drive the tractor so he could be passenger!  
Charity: But all worked out in the end, even if you did nearly give me a heart attack with the screeching metal, and bright lights from the first tractor. I really thought Mulder was getting his own back for me not watching him, as much as Scully!  
Tracy: Who?  
Charity: The X Files?  
Tracy: Is that a play on the X Factor?  
Charity looked puzzled: No babe, never mind.  
Ness: Before your time maybe.  
Over the top of her negligee Charity had a silky gown on. She closed it over herself and secured it at her waist.  
Charity: Thanks for keeping them so well entertained and getting breakfast, you’re a star Tracy, we love you.  
Charity lent over to Tracy and pecked her on the cheek.  
Tracy and Ness looked shocked.  
Charity pretended to not understand: What? ha ha  
Charity opened her arms wide and tiptoed over to the boys, and enveloped them both in a big bear hug. Ness and Tracy looked on smiling broadly.  
Tracy: Wow! You’ve got a keeper there  
Ness: Just as well, since we’ve both now got engagement rings, all we need to do now is get married!  
Tracy: Any ideas?  
Ness: Oh yeah. So many, you might need to reign me in.   
Ness hugged Tracy again, and planted a peck on her other cheek for good measure.  
Tracy smiled and watched as Ness went over and gave Johnny a big cuddle and then Moses, when he’d finally let go of Charity’s finger seemingly amazed at her lovely sparkly ring.  
Moses watched keenly as Charity started to slide the gummy ring off her finger.  
Charity: Sorry babe this is a bit small for you, but we’ll give you both a sweet treat after tea okay?  
Moses: Okay Mummy  
Charity gripped half the gummy ring in her teeth and then waved her head in Ness’ face.  
Ness grabbed the offered half of the ring in her teeth, but Charity didn’t bite down on it to break it apart. Ness grinned as they were both now sucking on the gummy ring, while sort of kissing at the same time.  
Whilst they were distracted, Tracy stood in front of them to talk to the boys.  
Tracy: Have you finished your colouring in now?  
Johnny: Yeah  
Moses: Yes  
Tracy: Do you want to give me the sheets of paper to put up? Have you kept them in order like I showed you?  
Moses: Er I think so  
Johnny: Here’s number 1, Auntie Tracy  
Tracy took it from him and went over to where she had put up a length of string behind the sofa. She reached over the boys to the bag of pegs and put up the first sheet of paper.  
Ness: What’s going on here then?  
Tracy: Hang on, you two just get yourselves some breakfast, Johnny and Moses have been hard at work on a surprise for you, haven’t you boys?  
Johnny: Yeah  
Moses: Yeah, here’s number 2 Auntie Tracy  
Tracy: Thank you kind sir  
Moses grinned, and looked among their pile again for number 3.  
And so they carried on, passing Tracy their sheets of paper numbered 1 to 10.  
Tracy: Well done boys, now where’s paper A?  
Moses: Here it is Auntie Tracy!  
Tracy: Thank you kind sir (Moses giggled)  
Johnny: Here’s paper B, Auntie!  
Tracy: Thank you kind sir  
And so they carried on, passing Tracy their sheets of paper labelled A to F.  
Charity and Ness had already peeked at what Tracy was working on, and thought they had worked out the word, but busied themselves in the kitchen until Tracy said they could look at their sons’ masterpieces.  
Tracy: Johnny, Moses, if you stand that end Johnny and keep your finger tightly over that end of the string, like this? That’s it, good boy. And Moses you come to this end, and get ready to pull the string the other way with me, so we reveal the letters?  
Johnny: Mummy?  
Ness: Yes darling we’re ready.  
Johnny: Auntie Tracy?  
Tracy: Yes Johnny, do your countdown  
Johnny: One, two, three…  
Tracy guided Moses to take the string of letters to the kitchen side to reveal their artwork  
Tracy: Ta’da!  
Ness had tears in her eyes and looked at Charity who was also welling up  
Ness: Oh Johnny! Moses! I love it, thank you, you are so clever.  
Charity: Oh Moses! Johnny! I love it too, thank you you clever boys, you’ve coloured the letters in so neatly.  
Tracy held the one end of the string and gestured to Johnny it was okay to let go of the other it would stay put. The boys ran over to Charity and Ness, and they each got a big cuddle and kiss from both their Mummy’s.  
Tracy unpinned the end on the sofa and carried the letters to the bannisters to peg the message up there so they could admire their handiwork.  
Charity read it again but outloud: WE LOVE OUR M...UMMY’S  
Tracy: Yeah sorry I left a bigger gap than I need to, there eh. The first ‘M’ was number 10, that’s why. I labelled the others with letters because I wasn’t sure if they could count past 10.  
Charity: Sorry babe, I’m only messing, it’s fabulous.  
Ness: It is. I thought it was going to read CONGRATULATIONS! It’d be the same number of pieces of paper.  
Charity: Yeah me too. You’re crafty Auntie Tracy, but we all love you for it, don’t we boys?  
Moses and Johnny together: Yeah  
Noah comes downstairs.  
Noah: What’s all the noise?  
Tracy gesturing to the message: Ta’da!  
Noah: Oh that looks great, well done boys, have you signed it on the back?  
Johnny took his hand and showed him the back of the last piece of paper where Tracy had helped them write their names and put big kisses.  
Noah: Can I add my name too boys?  
Moses: You didn’t colour any of it in though  
Noah: No, but I love my Mummy’s too?  
Johnny: Oh okay then  
Noah: Moses?  
Moses: Okay  
Noah: Thank you boys, you’re the best brothers  
Moses: Even better than Ryan?  
Charity: Moses!  
Noah: ha ha, not better, just different.  
Noah wrote CONGRATULATIONS! on the back of last sheet of paper, signed his name and put two big kisses.  
Charity: Aw babe, thank you (she hugged him)  
Noah: Congratulations guys! (He handed Ness a card)  
Ness: Oh Noah! Thank you darling (she gave him a big hug)  
Charity: Where’s my card?  
Noah: It’s to both of you obviously (he rolled his eyes and then shook his head)  
Charity: ha ha yeah I know really, sorry, thanks babe, means a lot.  
Ness: Did you sleep well?  
Noah: I heard you both come back in last night if that’s what you mean? You giggle so loud when you’re together!  
Ness: Er yeah  
Noah: I put my headphones on and drifted off to sleep after that though  
Charity smirked and looked sideways at Ness: Oh that’s good then  
Ness: Is Sarah up yet?  
Noah: I’m not sure, I haven’t heard her snoring for a while so maybe  
Sarah came down the stairs: Oi Noah! I heard that  
Noah: Well I wasn’t trying to whisper it!  
Sarah: I don’t snore anyway!  
Noah: You so do  
Sarah: No I don’t, you do though  
Noah: No I don’t!   
Tracy: You both do actually I heard you snoring in tandem last night ha ha ha!  
Sarah rolled her eyes and strode over to the sink for a glass of water.  
Charity: Did you sleep well last night babe?  
Sarah: Yeah I was on my phone for a bit, then I must have fell asleep as when I woke this morning, it was on my pillow still  
Charity: What have I told you about not leaving it on the pillow when you’re asleep!  
Sarah: Oh it doesn’t fry your brain granny!   
Charity: How do you know what it does Einstein?!  
Sarah: Oh granny!  
Ness: Oh granny, you’ve done the same before now  
Charity: Babe! Have I?  
Ness: Yeah usually when you’ve done an online crossword and you’re waiting for me to finish reading my book  
Charity: Oh! Oh well. Well I still don’t think it’s a good idea to leave it by your head if you can help it  
Ness: I agree, but anyway, do you want to see granny’s ring Sarah?  
Charity tried not to laugh, and offered her hand out to show Sarah the ring Ness had given her.  
Sarah: Ah it looks even better on than in the box  
Charity: Have you all seen it before me?  
Ness: Well I wanted their expert opinions, as they said you are so difficult to please when it comes to jewellery ha ha  
Charity: I’m not, am I?  
Ness: Well I haven’t bought you that much so I’m not sure really, but I needed to get your finger size, and Sarah said she had one you used to wear. Plus I wanted to make sure all the kids were kept in the loop.  
As if on cue Ryan walked in through the front door.  
Ryan: Hello are we all playing happy families?  
Sarah: Well we’re all bickering, so it’s much like any other day really yeah  
Charity: Tsk! Ignore her, babe, good to see you.  
Ryan: Congratulations (he passed an envelope to Charity, and a card in cellophane behind her back to Sarah who hurried off upstairs to write it!)  
Charity looked quizzically at Sarah disappearing: Thanks babe, you didn’t have to, all these cards, you didn’t do this when I proposed to Ness?  
Ryan: Well that was a bit rushed wasn’t it   
Noah: We were given more notice with this proposal!  
Sarah ran down the stairs again: Congratulations granny! (she gave her now written card, to Charity)  
Charity rolled her eyes at Ness: Thanks babe  
\---  
Later that day -

Charity was working behind the bar in the Woolie. Ness was sat at the end of the bar nearest the door, working her way through a giant crossword, and a pint of lager.  
Charity: Need any help with that babe? (Ness looked up and Charity winked at her)  
Ness: Er yeah actually, 4 across, 6 letters, to get excited?  
Charity: Arouse?  
Ness: A R O  
Charity: U  
Ness: Yeah I know babe  
Charity: No, I meant you, you arouse me  
Ness: Oh!...ditto. Sweetheart?  
Charity: Yes babe? Do you want to have another session in the Cellar?  
Ness: No, well I mean yes, but not right now  
Charity: Oh (she turned to see who needed serving)  
Ness: No Charity, I didn’t mean I wasn’t in the mood, just that…give us your hand a minute  
Charity offered her right hand to Ness  
Ness: No, no your wedding finger babe  
Charity: Where are you going to put it? (she winked)  
Ness: Charitee!   
Ness bent her head and kissed Charity’s engagement ring, then worked her way along her hand kissing each knuckle, then on the back of her hand, and then lifted her hand pulling her in close and kissed her on her lips.  
Charity: Oh!  
Ness: We’ve got our last minute run through of the panto in half an hour, and as much as I would love a bunk up with you right now babe, I will more than make it up to you later this evening, okay?  
Charity’s huge grin said it all.


	11. Day of the Panto

Ness: Can’t you put your foot down a bit? We’re never going to get back in time for the performance at this rate!  
Charity: Babe relax, we’ve got plenty of time yet it’s okay. I’m going as fast as I can. In case you hadn’t noticed we appear to be following a driveable shed of all things.  
Ness: No one would believe it til they saw it! I mean I love the quirkiness and the ingenuity of the idea, but on these country roads there’s just no where to overtake it.  
Charity: To be fair, for a shed, he is going at quite a lick already, I’m doing 50mph  
Ness: It just seems slow when we can’t get around it, but I am grateful that you’re not trying to overtake on these sharp bends since we’ve got extra precious cargo on board, thanks babe.  
Moses: Mummy?  
Charity: Yes babe?  
Moses: Can Debbie get a toy car and shed and make it into one me and Johnny can drive?  
Charity looked in her rear-view mirror at Moses: I’m not sure babe, but that’s a great idea. How about you ask her next time we facetime her?  
Moses: Tonight?  
Charity: I don’t see why not, yes, sure babe. We can tell her how the panto went too.  
Ness looked through the passenger rear-view mirror at the kids: Johnny is fast asleep bless him. I wish I could drop off to sleep anywhere anytime like he does.  
Charity: You do babe  
Ness: Do I?  
Charity: Yeah usually when I’m talking to you  
Ness: Oh ha ha, well no wonder  
Charity: Oi, babe!  
Ness: You know I’m joking babe, you are my Prince Charming, I am under your spell whenever you are around.  
Charity: Are you being sarky?  
Ness: No babe, honestly. My heart flutters whenever you’re in the room, it has done since day one, and still now.  
Charity: Oh babe, that’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me. Thank you.  
Charity reached out and stroked Ness’ thigh.  
Ness put her hand over Charity’s, and gave it a squeeze.  
Charity’s phone buzzed as a text came through.  
Charity: Oh, would you read the text out for me babe?  
Ness looked at it: It’s from Chas, she’s asked if we were able to get gripe water for Eve. Shall I text her back and let her know we got it?  
Charity: Yeah thanks babe  
Ness: It’s just as well the chemist in Hotten was still open, who knew most places still did half day closing!  
Charity: Yeah, I’ve always thought they were a bit old fashioned in there, but they’ve been a life-saver today with us needing more grey tights for the kids’ starring roles tonight.  
Ness: Aye there’s not much cause for grey tights for little boys to wear, but you never know they might end up getting into ballet and then we’re sorted with kit already.  
Charity: True. Or they might get a taste for this acting malarkey and then they can get more dressing up clothes.  
Ness: Aww yes. Johnny looks so cute with his mouse’s nose and ears and tail on. (She noticed Moses listening to her) Oh, and you too of course Master Moses, you’re a very cute cheeky mouse too darling.  
He grinned at her.  
Ness: I’m glad I’d got what we wanted before they turfed everyone out of the little precinct though.  
Charity: Did your firefighter friend tell you what the cause was?  
Ness: That new tea shop? One of the toasters had set the fire alarm off apparently. Lovely bunch of women we’re lucky to have them serving the community.  
Charity: What in the tea shop?  
Ness: No, the firefighters, most of the crew were women, at last!  
Charity: I did see you ogling them, on our way back from the loos  
Ness: Me? As if, I only have eyes for you babe  
Charity: Yeah yeah I think the lady doth protest too much meself!  
Ness: Ha ha. Okay you got me, but I only looked because from the back one of them looked a bit like you darling. And she had blonde hair similar length, but it was double plaited down the back of her head. I wondered if that look would suit you. We could try it today for the panto, maybe?  
Charity: Is my hair long enough for that?  
Ness stroked down the back of Charity’s head feeling the length of her hair: You’ve still got some length, I can but try eh.  
Charity: Okay as it’s you babe, I’ll let ya.  
Ness: Aw thanks.  
They reached a T-junction, unfortunately the shed was going the same way as them. A man and his dog, crossed from right to left in front of them. He looked curiously at the shed-car as he went by.  
Charity: Scary! I wouldn’t want to bump into them on a dark night  
Ness: Aww no that’s a cute doggy, he’s an albino Staffy, they’re as gentle as any other dog, it’s just their reputation because of scurrilous owners.  
Charity: I meant the owner actually!  
Ness: Oh, right, yeah I see what you mean, ha ha.  
\--  
15 minutes later, in the back room of the pub:  
Chas: Thanks for getting the gripe water, thought it might quell Eve’s hiccups but they seem to have gone of their own accord, sorry.  
Ness: Don’t worry it wasn’t any bother we needed the chemist anyway. It was the only place we could find kids tights in grey.  
Chas: Tights in a chemist?  
Charity: It’s a bit old fashioned in there, sells a mix of disjointed items I think, but hey it saved our bacon in this case!  
Chas: What happened to the ones they had on at the dress rehearsals?  
Ness: They got ladders in, they were only cheap ones from the market, we’ve got thicker ones this time  
\- Chas moved into the hallway behind the bar to get some change out of her coat, which was hanging on the end of the stairs. Charity and Ness followed behind her, leaving the door open to the lounge to keep an eye on the boys. \- Charity: What’s all the racket out front?  
Chas: Cain reluctantly rattling buckets for donations and selling last min tickets for the panto later.  
Charity: Ha ha ha ha ha, how much beer did you have to tempt him with to do that?  
Chas: A few pints or more yep  
Charity: Where’s Sam?  
Chas: He’s out there too, they’ve both got their papier mache horses heads on, so no one knows who they are  
Charity: Seriously?  
Chas: Yeah I know, everyone knows who they are, but if I tell Cain that he’ll back home like a shot!  
Two customers came in, phones in hand looking at their screens and laughing their heads off.  
Charity: What’s going on there then I wonder?  
Chas: They’ve probably just paid £2 to have a selfie with one of the horses! Probably Cain since word got around he was in the panto!  
Charity: Whose genius idea was that?  
Chas: Sam’s actually, who knew eh  
Charity: Wow, I’ll buy him a few pints later, that’s classic.  
Chas: He came up with another grand idea too, although I think Lydia might have had a hand in this one  
Charity: Oh yeah?  
Chas: They devised a short questionnaire, blind date style, for singletons to get matched up with a date for the panto.  
Ness: How’s that gonna work?  
Chas: Apparently they came up with the questions and got Liv to do it online somewhere for them, they’ve had about ten people filling them in.  
Ness: So they’ll collate the answers and then seat them next to their potential partners?  
Chas: Yep, Lydia’s at the ready to surprise the guests as they come in with who they will be sitting next to for the panto, and then they get to have a cake and a cuppa at the café after, Brenda’s contribution to the effort I believe.  
Ness: Ah that’s nice, I wonder who’ll be a new couple by the end of today then!  
Charity: Only time will tell. Speaking of which time’s getting on now, we’d best get back home and make sure all our costumes are sorted. Meet you at the village hall in couple of hours then?  
Chas: Yep will do, Lady Tremaine and Ugly sister Anastasia will see you there!  
Ness: Who’s looking after Eve?  
Chas: We’re bringing her along so she can see Mummy and Daddy playing.  
Charity: I don’t think she needs to see that, it’ll scar her for life  
Chas: Ha ha. You know what I mean.  
Charity smiled and rolled her eyes.  
Chas: Liv will look after her during the panto, and Lydia will be on hand too.  
Ness: Right come on Johnny, Moses, we’ve got to get back home and get ready for the panto.  
Johnny: Oh no we’re not  
Ness: Oh yes you are  
Moses: Oh no we’re not  
Charity: Oh yes you are, c’mon, great acting there guys. See ya Chas.  
Chas: Bye! Bye boys see you shortly.  
Charity: Don’t scare them with that mask of yours now eh, ha ha ha ha haaa  
Chas: Bye Charity.  
Chas rolled her eyes, but smiled despite herself.


	12. Oh no it isn't!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: For the purposes of this story - Rhona is single, the last guy she dated was Pete. Her and Graham have never been a thing. Therefore Marlon is not in prison, and April never went missing.

Bob: Is everyone here Assistant Director April?  
April: Yes, Director Bob  
Bob: Great. Listen up everybody, yes if you can just gather round. Yes, in a circle, yes, thank you. Now thank you so much for all your efforts, giving up your time to make your costumes, learning your lines, and coming to the few rehearsals we’ve been able to have. Is everyone ready?  
Panto cast, almost in unison: Yes, Director Bob, sir! (and they all saluted him)  
Bob: Yes, okay ha ha, thanks for that. I wonder whose idea that was, hmm? (he looked around everyone, but no one gave the game away)  
Charity winked at April while Bob wasn’t looking, she smiled.  
Bob: Right, we’ve got a good crowd out there waiting to watch you all perform, so give it your best and most importantly enjoy it! Group hug?  
Ugly sister Anastasia stepped forward with her arms out, and her bloomers fell down. As she hastily bent down to retrieve them, her witch-like false nose got caught on Fairy Godmother’s wings, pulling them off her back, on one side.   
Belle: Oh, Paddy! What have you done? My costume!  
Paddy: Sorry er sorry er er, has has anyone got any string? Anyone?  
Carriage horse one, with his head on, was blindly waving his arms about trying to ward off potential huggers.  
Carriage horse two, also with his head on had accidentally stepped on the flares of the King’s outfit and had sent him flying into Cinderella, who in turn almost fell but got caught by Prince Charming.  
Bob and April looked anxious, if their cast had managed to make the panto a farce before they even got on stage, what on earth would the panto itself look like!  
Bob was crossing all his fingers, while verbally trying to untangle the rabble of characters, to no avail.  
April: OKAY ATTENTION EVERYBODY, PLACES PLEASE, THIS IS YOUR FINAL CALL, YOUR FINAL CALL, STAGE IS READY, PLACES PLEASE!  
Bob: APRIL ! No one’s ready! Oh!  
Bob looked around at the cast, as the shock yet again of such a loud voice coming from such a small girl, had jolted everyone to their senses.  
Panto cast, erratically: Sorry Assistant Director April, we’re ready, sorry. (and they all detached themselves from one another and got into where they needed to be to start the panto).  
Bob thought to himself ‘Wow, I’ve one feisty granddaughter, but then she does take after her mother, good on her’.  
Cain and Sam weren’t on until near the end, so they left their horses heads in the wings and sat in the audience for the first half.  
Bob: Okay good luck everybody, cue music and Chas, you’re on!  
Chas walked on stage as Lady Tremaine: Ha ha ha haaa don’t mess with me, I am a wicked wicked step mother, ha ha ha ha haaaa  
The audience booed and hissed at her, which only encouraged her to be worse.  
\--  
Mid way through the panto, Tracy strutted out onto stage as the King. Everyone cheered her appearance, she looked great with the all in one white and gold jumpsuit, sunglasses, and Mandy had found her a short black mens’ wig to borrow from the salon. None of Charity’s wigs were the right style.  
David wolf-whistled her which she was pleased about at first, and then realised as David did, that meant he had whistled at a guy in effect. Debbie was on screen on his phone, seeing the panto through facetime.  
Debs on the phone screen: Hey David! Is that you wolf-whistling? You’re supposed to be on a date with me!  
David picked up his phone and looked at her sheepishly: Sorry, I just got caught up in the moment. Won’t happen again, I’ll prop you back up on the seat so you can see the rest of the show babe.  
Debs starts protesting, but her words go unheard as David puts his phone back on the spare seat next to him on the front row.  
Cain whispers: Mind how you treat my daughter eh mate.  
David smiles meekly and hastily gives him a thumbs up.  
Rhona whispers: Ssh Cain! Tracy’s trying to do her lines  
Cain: Sorry darlin’  
David mutters under his breath: Under the thumb already?  
Cain shoots him a look, but David pretends not to notice.  
On stage Tracy said the end of her scripted part, then added: Haw haw haw  
Everybody laughed and Eric, sat on the front row, applauded and shouted out: Yeah! More! That’s my girl  
Brenda muttered: What is this the Tracy fan club?  
Eric: Sorry m’lady I only have eyes for you, of course  
Brenda: I should think so Eric or I want a refund.  
Sam from the second row: You didn’t pay the full twenty, since you’re doing the café part for you singletons  
Brenda huffily: Huh well I still gave a fiver. I am giving my tea and cake out for free for them.  
Sam: Yeah you’re a right good ‘un Brenda thank you, you’ll go t’heaven for sure.  
Brenda: Not any time soon I hope.  
Sam: No, no, I didn’t mean…  
Lydia tapped him on the shoulder from the row behind, and he stopped talking.  
\--  
David: Hey Rhona, that was a good first half wasn’t it?   
Rhona: Yeah, it’s a good cure for the January blues isn’t it  
David: We’re in February now aren’t we?  
Rhona: Well, yes but only just. How’s Deb coping watching it through facetime?  
David: Yeah I think she’s enjoying it. She’s just had to go and see to Jack, so I thought I’d be neighbourly.  
Rhona gave him a faint smile then turned back to Cain.  
Cain: Sorry darlin’ I’ve got to go and wait in the wings for my appearance as Carriage Horse one, in a bit. I’ll see you at the end though and for our cake and that at the café. (He kissed her on the cheek) Enjoy the rest of the show (He walked off backstage).  
David trying to make light of it: Ah have you been stood up? Not to worry happens to us all.  
Rhona: I’m sorry?  
David: Why are you sorry?  
Rhona: I’m not.  
David: Right. Okay. Well that’s good then. I guess it must be odd being on a date with Cain, with so many of his exes in the same room?  
Rhona: It must be odd being on a date with someone who’s not even in the same postcode as you, let alone the same room. Excuse me.  
Rhona got up and went to sit with Leo who was with Lydia, next to Liv with Eve.  
David looked awkward, so he hastily picked up his phone to see if Deb had re connected.  
\--  
Later in the second half the Ball is in full swing.  
The King: Prince Charming may I introduce you to Miss Anastasia and Miss Drizella.  
They curtseyed to Prince Charming, fluttered their oversized eyelashes, and played with their hair in an attempt to catch the Prince’s eye  
Prince Charming: Charmed I’m sure  
The King: Is that all you have to say?  
Prince Charming: Thank you for coming?  
The King: No, son, aren’t you going to ask them to dance?  
Prince Charming: I can’t dance with them both at once! One is too tall and gangly and the other too stout for a lady  
Miss Anastasia looked affronted: Oh oh well that’s not a very charming thing for a Prince to say to a lady now is it, I’m not gangly?  
Prince Charming: No you’re stout. The only stout I want m’lady is of the fermented brew variety.   
Miss Drizella: I know I very local tavern whereby I could fetch you a stout sir?  
Prince Charming: I don’t want a stout sir, I only want a fine lady.  
Miss Anastasia: Me? Prince Charming?  
Miss Drizella pushes in front of her: No, me Prince Charming surely? How can you resist my womanly charms oh master?  
Prince Charming: Oh! Quite easily ladies. Perhaps you will find love with one of the jokers in the deck. You would be well suited to the dull lives of a jester on a playing card. Now, please, enjoy the ball but do excuse me.   
He bowed and retreated to the other side of the room, smiling warmly at Cinderella who had just entered the Ballroom.  
The King: Music maestro’s, a Waltz please.  
Prince Charming: May I have this dance fair maiden? It would bring me great pleasure.  
Cinderella: Oh! Thank you Prince Charming, don’t mind if I do.  
Prince Charming swept her up in his arms and twirled her around the dance floor, they danced like they knew each other intimately already, and Prince Charming hardly had to lead her around the floor, she responded and moved with only the slightest touch of his hand.  
Cinderella leant in close to him and whispered onto his neck: The braids look good if I do say so myself.  
For a moment Charity forgot she was playing Prince Charming. She slid her right hand under Ness’ hair at the nape of her neck, and with her left hand tilted her chin up towards her and kissed her softly on the lips.  
Ness: Oh!  
Ness lost the timing of the waltz and stumbled slightly, so Charity twirled her around several times to make it look like all the steps were intended.   
The momentum was so great, Ness almost twirled herself off stage, but Charity reacted and caught her just in time. A murmur of relief spread around the audience.  
Behind the set Mandy got ready to move the hands of the big cardboard clock at the back of the stage to 12 o’clock and pressed the button on her phone for the sound of a clock chiming ‘12’.   
No sound came.  
She looked at the screen and pressed a few icons.  
Still, nothing happened. Over the microphone the audience heard:  
Mandy: Eurgh flamin’ cheap thing! Okay er BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG   
Cinderella: Oh, the time! I must get home, sorry (and she ran off stage)  
Prince Charming: No! Wait, fair maiden what’s your name?  
Mandy: BONG BONG (and the hands on the clock joined together at ‘12’)  
From offstage there are sounds of horses running, and a large pumpkin dropping on the floor as a big puff of white smoke is blown across the stage.  
Prince Charming waves his hand in front of him to dissipate the fog it’s put him in.  
Charity can’t help but laugh, and ad libs, talking into the wings: Horse Cain have you been eating all the brussel sprouts again?!  
Prince Charming: Oh! Mice! Eek!  
Moses and Johnny dressed in their cute mouse outfits quickly run on stage, run once around Prince Charming and off again the other side.  
Leo laughed at them, which made Eve giggle too.


	13. Oh yes it is!

A white high heel shoe is cast onto the stage from the wings.  
Prince Charming: Oh! A glass slipper. It must fit my fair maiden. We must find her, and then I can marry her.  
He rings a bell to summon a manservant. We hear the sounds of horse shoes.  
Manservant appears carrying two empty coconut halves, and gives a side-eye to the audience:  
Yes, Prince Charming?  
Prince Charming: Please treat this with great care, but tarry forth to every maiden in the Kingdom, until you find the fair one whose foot fits this glass slipper. Please trot on now, hurry, you only have a day.  
Manservant takes the white high heel shoe off him carefully.  
Bob is playing the manservant and realises he can’t ‘clip clop’ off stage with the coconut shells when he has the shoe in his hand too.  
He looks panicked for a moment, until Charity points to his side trouser pocket.  
Manservant: Ah yes thank you Prince Charming, I am not used to thinking for myself  
He slides the shoe into his side pocket, and then cups the coconut shells in his hands again and ‘clip clops’ off the stage, making sure he gives the audience a quick side-eye before he goes off stage. The children all laugh.  
Prince Charming yawns, stretches his arms above his head and wide down to the side. Rubs his face to show he is tired, and makes his way off the other side of the stage to sleep.  
The scenery changes with Mandy moving a cardboard moon across above the backdrop, and next to her, Sam cups his hands and hoots like an owl.  
Manservant Bob trudges across the stage one way and then back the other, waving the white shoe in the air in despair.  
Mandy swops the moon for a bright yellow cardboard sun and operates the clock from behind the scenes again to make it quickly scroll through the hours of the day.  
Before long, Prince Charming comes on stage, piggy-backing carriage horse two.  
Prince Charming: Woah! Good boy  
Horse two snorts, stops suddenly and goes down on all fours. Prince Charming slides off and lands on his bottom.  
Prince Charming: Ow! Sam! I mean bad horse!  
Horse two snorts a few times; as Sam tries to cover up the fact that he’s laughing.  
The Fairy Godmother glides onto the stage behind the horse.  
The audience: She’s behind you!  
Horse two: Huh?  
Prince Charming looks around and sees the Fairy Godmother: Oh no she isn’t!  
The audience: Oh yes she is!  
Prince Charming: She’s behind Dobbin here, not me.  
Fairy Godmother taps Horse two gently on his bottom with her wand.  
Horse two: Huh?  
Horse two spins around and sees the Fairy Godmother at last, he does a long snort, and then nudges her arm with his long face, and leans into her so she makes a fuss of him, and strokes his back.  
Prince Charming: Oi!  
Fairy Godmother stops making a fuss of the horse and waves her wand about. Small silver stars fall out of it.  
Prince Charming: I hope you don’t expect me to sweep that up after?  
Fairy Godmother ignores him: I bring you a wish.  
Prince Charming: Who are you?  
Fairy Godmother: I am your fairy godmother  
Prince Charming: Oh, I didn’t know I got one  
Fairy Godmother: We like to take liberties in modern times  
Prince Charming: Ah I see, okay, um, er  
Fairy Godmother: Any time today eh? I’d like to get back home in time to watch TOWIE  
Prince Charming looked puzzled: TOWIE??  
Fairy Godmother: The Only Wands In Esholt!  
Prince Charming: Oh, right I see. Well, I don’t really, but, yes, my wish is  
Fairy Godmother: Yes?  
Prince Charming: My wish is to know who the glass slipper belongs to?  
Fairy Godmother: I thought you sent manservant Bob out on that mission?  
Prince Charming: Well he isn’t back yet, but how did you know?  
Fairy Godmother: Because I know everything!  
Prince Charming looked worried: Everything?!  
Fairy Godmother: Yes, even that, even where you keep your…  
Prince Charming: Okay okay. Back to the plot, please!  
Fairy Godmother waved her wand about: Okay, izzy wizzy let’s get busy, summon Bob before I get dizzy!  
A thin strand of smoke wafted onto the stage, but no Bob with it.  
Then Moses and Johnny run on stage in their mouse costumes. Horse two shuffles out of their way.  
Prince Charming: Eek! It’s those mice again  
The mice went one either side of the Fairy Godmother, and she bent down so they could whisper in her ears.  
Mouse one: Squeak squeak, squeak squeak squeakkkk!  
Mouse two: Squeak squeak, squeak, squeakkk!  
Fairy Godmother: Thank you you cute mice, that was very interesting information.  
Moses and Johnny couldn’t help but grin widely, they glanced at the audience and waved to Tracy who was now sat on the far end of the front row. She laughed and waved back, and they ran off stage.  
Prince Charming: What did the mice have to say?  
Fairy Godmother: That’s for me to know, and you to find out  
Prince Charming: Well? Can’t I find out now?  
Fairy Godmother turns to the audience: Shall I tell her boys and girls?  
They shout out a mix of responses.  
Charity can’t hear one clear reply, but she is giving a double thumbs up to the audience to try to sway their vote.  
From the wings a man shouts: Oh no you shouldn’t  
Prince Charming: Oi, horse one I heard that, is it time for your trip to the knackers yard?!  
Fairy Godmother: Okay okay I think you agree I should put Prince Charming out of his misery  
Prince Charming mutters: That was my plan for horse one, if he keeps giving me his neighhhbourly opinion!  
Fairy Godmother: Do you want to know or not? Time’s getting on.  
Prince Charming: Sorry my dear Fairy Godmother, yes please tell me, what did those darling mice tell you, that was so interesting.  
Fairy Godmother: They told me that Bob has found out who the glass slipper belongs to, and she lives at this house….  
A front door is rolled onto the stage quickly.  
Fairy Godmother gestured with her wand: Here (she knocks on the door) Be nice! (and poof she disappears in a cloud of white smoke)  
Prince Charming is just checking his hair is still in place, and straightening his waistcoat when the front door opens. He looks up to find Ugly sister Drizella looking back at him.  
Prince Charming: Oh no! It’s not you, it can’t be, not Miss Drizella  
The audience shouts: Ella, ella, ella, under an umbrella, ella, ella  
As they are mid shouting Charity drops out of character and turns to the audience, her hands on her hips, and shakes her head, but she is smirking.  
The audience laughs. She turns back to Marlon to find he was egging the audience on.  
Ugly sister Drizella in a high voice: What do you mean ‘Oh no’ I am a fine lady  
Prince Charming: It’s great you’ve got such a high opinion of yourself Miss, but you are not the fine lady I danced with at the Ball.  
Ugly sister Drizella: I could’ve been if you’d let me, but you said I was too gangly to dance with  
The audience shouted in sympathy for Drizella.  
Ugly sister Drizella: No it’s worse than that!  
The audience were louder in their sympathies for her.  
Ugly sister Drizella to the audience: Thank you, at least someone cares about me  
Prince Charming rolls his eyes: Is the fair maiden I danced with at the Ball, here? Please would you tell her I am here?  
Ugly sister Drizella: Huh if I must, I don’t know what manservant Bob was thinking, the glass slipper fitted me really  
Prince Charming looks down at Miss Drizella’s obviously long feet, and then looks up at him again.  
Ugly sister Drizella: Oh well, it was worth a try. Wait there. (he goes off stage)  
Meanwhile horse two has been munching the grass and grazing. He now rolls onto his back and shakes all four of his feet into the air and wriggles his back against the grass, to scratch it.  
Horse two: Neighhhhh neighhhhh ha ha neighhhhh nieghhhh ‘PARP’ Neigh? Nay nay!  
Prince Charming waves his hand in front of his nose: Oh Dobbin! Did you have to? I’m waiting for my fair maiden  
Horse two rolls back upright and lands on his four hooves. He sits back on his hind legs, shrugs his shoulders, and raises his front hooves as though to say: Me?  
Cinderella appears at the door: Oh, Prince Charming you found me!  
Prince Charming turns around and sees his fair maiden: Oh, my lovely, you look radiant, I am so glad you left your glass slipper, for otherwise I may never have found you again. I couldn’t bear that.  
Cinderella: I’m sorry I had to go, but my Fairy Godmother had magiced me a dress and shoes to go to the Ball but it only lasted along with my carriage and horses until midnight. I couldn’t let you see me in my tattered dress.  
Prince Charming: But my Princess, you have captured my heart. It doesn’t matter to me what you wear, I will still love you with all my being.  
Cinderella: Oh but we haven’t known each other long?  
Prince Charming: But it feels like a lifetime already for me, I think we must have met in a previous incarnation. Do you not feel the same?  
Cinderella: Oh, I do, I really do, I… (she faints, and Prince Charming catches her in his arms).  
Prince Charming: Oh, no, my Princess.  
Horse two walks over to Prince Charming and lies down so he can lay Cinderella against him.  
Horse two tries blowing air on Cinderella’s face, but even his horsey breath doesn’t make her stir.  
Prince Charming kneels down beside her, strokes her cheek, tucks her hair behind her ear, and bends to kiss her on the lips.  
Cinderella responds and kisses Prince Charming. They kiss some more, the audience laughs.  
Cinderella: At last! I thought you were never going to kiss me.  
Prince Charming: Oh, I will kiss you forever and ever and a day.  
Ness was waiting for Charity to say her next line as she had done in rehearsals, but instead Charity whispered to her: I’ve got a surprise, make yourself comfortable.  
Horse two got up and hurried off stage.  
Charity gestured towards a comfy yellow padded seat that had just been brought onto the side of the stage. Ness duly sat wondering what was going on.  
Horse two swiftly reappeared on the stage carrying a placard. And in a line following him, each carrying a sign with one or two words on, was Mouse one, then Horse one, then Mouse two.  
They walked across the stage in order so the audience could read the message, and then turned so that Ness could read it as they walked back off stage.  
It read: ‘WE ARE’….’HAVING A’….’MUSICAL’….’INTERLUDE’.  
There were murmurs between the audience, folk asking their neighbour if they knew what was going on, but if they did no one was owning up to it.  
Mandy and Belle appeared at the back of the stage wheeling a screen on. They were carrying some costumes and two microphones.  
Mandy set up one microphone on a stand in front of the screen, and then gave the other one to Ness.  
Charity stood behind the microphone on the stand, still dressed as Prince Charming.  
Mandy whispered to Ness: I think you’ll know the parts to join in with! Enjoy!  
She went back over to Charity and she and Belle stayed either side of her to pass her items of clothing and help her change.  
The intro music to a 1970s disco track started playing, and Vanessa instantly recognised the song, and started grinning.  
Charity grinned back at Vanessa.  
Charity started singing: “Honey honey, how you thrill me”  
Belle and Mandy: “Ah-hah”  
Charity: “honey honey….Honey honey, nearly kill me”  
Belle and Mandy: “Ah-hah”  
Charity: “honey honey… I'd heard about you before…..I wanted to know some more….And now I know what they mean…..You're a love machine…..Oh, you make me dizzy”  
Charity shook her head, then walked behind the screen, to get changed while singing.  
Charity: Honey honey, let me feel it  
Ness: Ah-hah, honey honey  
Charity: Honey honey, don't conceal it  
Ness: Ah-hah, honey honey

Charity: The way that you kiss goodnight  
Ness: (The way that you kiss me goodnight)  
Charity: The way that you hold me tight  
Ness: (The way that you're holding me tight)  
Charity: I feel like I wanna sing, When you do your thing

She bent down to change out of Prince Charming's trousers and boots and put on other shoes but found she couldn’t keep her head near the microphone to sing at the same time, so the next verse she just hummed to the tune for a bit then sang  
:..you'll never get rid of me. There's no other place in this world where I rather would be Honey honey, touch me, baby  
Ness: Ah-hah, honey honey  
Charity: Honey honey, hold me, baby  
Ness: Ah-hah, honey honey  
There was a pause as Mandy and Belle helped Charity put a long red wig on her head, and smooth her outfit out.  
The tune carried on so just as Charity appeared from behind the screen to grab the microphone in her full Abba-esque outfit, Ness started to sing the next verse.  
Ness: You look like a movie star  
Charity: (You look like a movie star)  
Ness: But I know just who you are  
Charity: (I know just who you are)  
Ness: And, honey, to say the least, You're a doggone beast, So stay on the ground, girl, you better not get too high….  
Ness and Charity together: There's no other place in this world where I rather would be

Ness was overcome with emotion at the trouble Charity had gone to to spring this surprise on her, she loved the outfit Charity had changed into. Although she loved her as Prince Charming too!  
Charity was wearing a V shaped blue and white shiny poncho, tight knee length white boots, and had a long red haired straight wig on.  
Belle had also hurriedly managed to apply a deep red lipstick to Charity’s lips on one of the times she had bent down behind the screen.  
Charity: Honey honey, how you thrill me  
Belle: Ah-hah, honey honey  
Charity: Honey honey, nearly kill me  
Mandy: Ah-hah, honey honey

Charity: I heard about you before  
Ness: (I heard about you before)  
Charity: I wanted to know some more  
Ness: (I wanted to know you some more)  
Charity: And now I know what they mean…..You're a love machine….Oh you make me dizzy

Charity and Ness: Honey honey, how you thrill me... 

Ness stood up to take her bows alongside Charity as the panto audience were on their feet cheering, clapping and wolf-whistling the pair of them.

Johnny and Moses run on with a sign each saying ‘BACK TO’…’THE PLOT’

Charity clears her throat, dons her Prince Charming rainbow waistcoat over the top of her Abba outfit, and bends down on one knee in front of Ness.

Prince Charming: Will you marry me?  
Cinderella: I will...honey, honey. \- They both laugh, and hug for what feels like eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14, will be uploaded on Valentine's Day x


	14. Happily Ever After?

The lights went down and Charity quickly took off Rodney’s rainbow waistcoat again and put it behind the screen.  
The lights came up and Charity and Vanessa moved to the front of the stage together and enjoyed the applause and wolf-whistles from audience, friends, family and neighbours amongst them.  
They stepped to one side, and said “Lady Tremaine, the wicked stepmother, everybody”. Chas lapped up her applause and good-natured jokey booing from the crowd.  
Chas stepped to the side, and said “ Our Fairy Godmother!”. Belle curtseyed and waved her wand and waved to the crowd.  
Belle stepped to the other side, and said “The Ugly Sisters, Anastasia and Drizella!”  
The crowd: Ella ella ella ha ha ha  
Paddy and Marlon were still wearing their characters bloomers. Paddy was holding his up on his left side, as he moved to the side of the stage he let go and underneath he had another pair on!  
Liv bounced Eve on her knee so that she giggled.  
Paddy and Marlon welcomed on Mandy who strutted around with her cardboard moon and sun. She waved at everyone.  
Mandy stepped to the side, and welcomed on Cain and Sam, carrying their horse’s heads.  
A lot of the audience pretended to gasp, at this reveal of who had played the horses, even though they had known all along.  
Cain and Sam said “Our fabulous mice!” and ushered on Johnny and Moses, who ran forward to the front of the stage. They were grinning and waving madly to everyone.  
Everyone waved back and people were commenting to their neighbours how cute they looked in their outfits.   
Ness whispered to Charity: Who’s given them peaked caps suddenly? That’s not part of the panto is it?!...Is this down to you?  
Charity: No babe, I’m as clueless as you here. They do look darned cute though. I’m very proud of them babe, Tracy’s right, they are a credit to us both, we don’t do a bad job of parenting them together do we?  
Ness: No babe, you’re pretty amazing, with both of them.  
Charity: Well how could I not love Johnny, I mean look at him, he’s such a cutie, and he’s borne of you, so of course I love the bones of him.  
Ness: Aww Charity. God, I love you so much. And Moses. And Noah, Ryan, Debs, and Sarah too, granny Charity.   
Charity: We do alright, don’t we babe? Come here…

Their kiss at the back of the stage was interrupted by the tots running into them.  
Charity: Hey boys, come here, you did so well. You are brilliant, you’re our little stars. Well done, love you.  
Ness to Johnny: Did you enjoy it darling? You were such a star, well done I’m so proud of you. Love you both so much.  
The audience were still applauding the cast, and they each other.   
Harriet ushered Bob and April onto the stage, and Marlon led a huge cheer for their Director/Manservant, and Assistant Director.  
April took a bow, then gestured to Bob who did likewise, to much applauding from audience and cast alike. No one wanted the pantomime to end.   
Bob: Thank you, Thank you  
The audience quietened and sat down  
Bob: Well we’ve reached the end of our pantomime.  
Ness: Oh no we haven’t! Where’s Tracy? She deserves her applause too!  
Bob: I was just coming to that, Tracy has something up her sleeve, so she’s just behind the scenes a moment, but here she is on screen.  
There were two television screens that had been set up to the sides of the stage from the start to show action happening on stage that bit larger for those who were at the back of the hall with less of a view.  
Tracy appeared on both screens the same, still dressed as the King, and took her bows. The audience and cast alike applauded and cheered her.  
Tracy could be heard saying ‘Thank you very much a huh huh’  
She had pre recorded it earlier. Bob peered forward to see when Tracy had gone off screen.  
Bob: Okay, so Elvis has left the building!  
Some of the audience laughed. Ness was still puzzled.   
Charity whispered to the boys: Do you know what’s going on here lads?  
Johnny shook his head.  
Moses: Yes, but Auntie Tracy said it’s a secret, Mummy.  
Charity: Oh, did she. Intriguing.  
Johnny took Charity’s hand, and Moses took Ness’ hand in his.   
The boys tugged the two of them to the front left of the stage.  
Ness: Oh!  
Bob: Tracy and a few others have organised a surprise for you both. She’s instructed me to get you to both just sit here….yep….and please, each put a blindfold on  
Charity winked at Ness, remembering their conversation in their bedroom last week when Ness had blindfolded Charity while she dressed her as Prince Charming.  
Ness smiled coyly at her. They both slid their blindfolds on, and held hands, slightly nervous yet excited for whatever it was they were about to be surprised with.  
They heard what sounded like furniture being shifted, down in the audience, and people moving chairs.  
Then someone in heels strode on stage.   
Tracy: Don’t be nervous Ness, Charity, I hope you enjoy this surprise. It was the kids’ idea actually. I made some enquiries and had some help from some very special people, and here we are! Ready for your ….  
Someone whipped their blindfolds off, and Tracy said ‘…wedding!’  
They both gasped at the same time, and for a split second were disappointed they hadn’t arranged it themselves.  
Tracy: We know you wanted to organise things yourselves, but seriously guys you’ve been engaged for ages, and keep going around in circles with ideas.  
Charity: True, babe.  
Ness smiled in agreement.  
Tracy: I took on board all the ideas you ran past me Vanessa…  
Charity: Did she?  
Tracy: And the ones you ran past me too Charity.  
Ness: Did she?  
Tracy: And mixing those together, and running them past all the kids, we came to a compromise, which we hope you both like.  
Charity: All the kids?  
Ryan: Hi Mum, the gang’s all here!  
Charity looked down at the audience and saw there was now a gangway in the centre and a white wooden archway adorned with a rainbow spray of flowers, fixed in the middle at the front.  
Brenda, Eric, and David were stood at the side.  
Ryan waved, he was sat on the end chair in a smart suit; and next to him Moses and Johnny were now sat but still wearing their mouse costumes, and the newest addition to the look, their peaked caps.  
Next along was Deb on David’s phone screen, then Noah, and Sarah.   
They all smiled and waved at Charity and Vanessa.  
Charity: Oh, all my babies.  
Noah: M-um!  
Charity: Oh, but I can’t get married without Debs being here?  
Debs: I can see and hear you all really well Mum, it’s fine, c’mon, please!  
Charity: But I can’t hug you through the phone  
Debs: Oh, mum, there’ll be time for hugs soon, so go and get ready  
Charity lightly crying: Okay, sniff sniff  
Harriet moved forward to speak at the foot of the stage: Everything is sorted, Tracy has outfits backstage for you both, you can freshen up and she’ll do your hair and make-up for you.   
In the meantime ladies and gentlemen we’ll have a half hour comfort break while our brides get ready. With Ryan’s technical help, Bob has put together a short video of their panto rehearsals, some outtakes from the dress rehearsals, and some chats with the cast while being interviewed excellently by Moses and Johnny.   
Okay, now go and get a drink, some nibbles and get comfy. We’ll put the video on in 15mins time.  
Ness: Will we have time to get changed and watch the video?  
Bob: It’ll be playing backstage for you two as well, and I’ve made a copy of it for anyone that wants one, to raise extra funds for the village hall. They’re on sale for a fiver each.  
There was a murmur of excitement through the audience and Tracy led Charity and Ness off the stage to get ready.  
\--  
Brenda: Well what about our singletons cuppa and cake at the café? It’ll be evening before we get to do that now!  
Doug: Ah slight change of plan Brenda love  
Brenda: Don’t Brenda love me, Doug  
Doug: Sorry I didn’t mean anything by it.   
Brenda: What’s happening then?  
Doug: Well Harriet asked if we could bring the cake and cuppa things over here to the village hall, so that those of you on your blind dates could have them now in the comfort break.  
Brenda: Oh she did did she?  
Doug: Yes. She thought it would be a way of keeping the community together and keep everyone happy.  
Brenda: Hm!  
Doug: Can’t please everyone all of the time though  
Brenda: Doug!  
Doug: What? I wasn’t having a go at you. I don’t mind at all that you’re on a date with Eric, after all we were never really going to work out with our family circumstances were we.  
Brenda: Is Harriet your new interest now then?  
Doug: What? Where did you get that idea from woman!  
Brenda: Well it seems you’re at her beck and call  
Doug: Ohh Brenda, I give up with you.   
Mandy: The blind date area is over here Brenda love, we’ve made a nice corner for you all, and I made some cardboard love hearts look  
Brenda: Oh. How lovely. Am I the last to know about everything around here?  
Mandy: You’re the first dater I’ve told, I was just about to make the announcement when I heard Doug mentioning it to you.   
Brenda: Oh I do feel privileged  
Mandy to Doug: What have you said to upset her now?  
Doug: Me? I haven’t said anything, other than about the change of plan with the dating venue.  
Mandy: Right. Come on Brenda love, it’s meant to be a happy day, let’s not spoil it now eh  
Mandy ushered Brenda over to the seated area she had decorated with big cardboard love hearts and spread heart confetti on the tables for two.  
Brenda was still looking peeved, until Eric reached their table before her and graciously pulled her seat out for her to sit. Then she smiled warmly at Eric, as he produced a posy of red roses from behind his back, and presented them to her kissing her on the cheek.  
Mandy patted him on the back as she left them and muttered under her breath: Good Luck Eric!  
Rhona was in on the secret wedding and she nipped to the toilets to change into her wedding outfit she’d brought along, while Cain changed into a suit, Rhona had got Lydia to sneak in with her for him.  
They were in and out in five minutes and soon tucking into their cakes and drinks in the love-nest corner.   
Cain: Here love you’ve got a bit of icing on your lips  
Rhona: Have I?   
She licked her lips nervously to try and shift the lingering icing, but Cain was shaking his head  
Rhona: Did I get it?  
Cain: No love it’s still hanging on ha ha, here, let me…  
Cain leant across the table and gently wiped it from the corner of her mouth with his forefinger  
Rhona: Oh!  
Cain smiled ever so slightly, and then put the tip of his finger in his mouth to suck off the bit of icing.  
Rhona: Oh Cain, you bad bad boy  
Cain: Are you alright Rhona? Have you been quaffing the communion wine again?  
Rhona: Ha ha ha I don’t know what you mean Cain, I was just joking, of course I was joking.  
Cain: Yeah course you were love…. Mandy? Any chance of a re-fill? I’m parched here!  
Rhona looked embarrassed and silently scolded herself for being tempted by Cain’s obvious flirting. Especially as he did just deny he had done anything, and instead made her feel a bit silly.  
Rhona: So. just how many exes of yours are in this room then?  
Cain: Well, one’s about to get married for the …  
He tried counting on his fingers, and gave up  
Rhona: Oh, you’re all heart you are, can’t you be happy for her now? Ness is the best thing that’s ever happened to Charity. I never thought it would take a woman to show her true love, but then I shouldn’t be surprised just how powerful us women are, and how amazing Ness is.  
Cain: Alright, alright love, are you sure you’re not wishing you were still with Ness or something?!  
Rhona: No! Of course not! Oh Cain, I don’t know who thought we would be a good match…  
David was sat at a table for one with his phone propped up on the table so he could see Deb on facetime.  
Deb: Is that cake nice?  
David with his mouthful: Myeah mmnice  
Deb: It looks good, ah well I’ve got a nice big cuppa here anyway.  
David swallowed the cake and cleared his throat, then said: Sorry Deb this isnt much of a date, really, there’s so much background noise in the room it’s difficult to hear each other.  
Deb: It’s not your fault, I thought filling in the questionnaire would be a bit of fun, I didn’t think I’d get matched up with anyone. It was a bit short notice to come down I’ve got so much work on at the moment.  
David: No, no I quite understand. It’s great the business is going so well for you, I’m happy for you.  
Deb: Aww that’s nice, thanks David…..Jack, Jack, no, no, don’t do that dear, no, Jack, come here….sorry David I just need to sort my rascal out, I’ll be with you in a moment….sorry!  
David: Oh, no, that’s okay, I know the kids can be a handful at times….oh she’s gone  
David sat back, wiped the crumbs from his chin, and took a large swig of his coffee to wash it all down. He looked around the room at the new potential couples, and the current couples, and everyone milling around excitedly.   
He looked at the decorated archway for the wedding.  
He thought to himself ‘Lydia and Liv are doing a great job decorating the aisle seats as well. But Tracy is the main star in all this. She should join Leyla and Andrea as a wedding planner, she’s a star. I was a lucky guy…..god I’ve messed up so many relationships…’  
A lad ran into the hall followed by a woman he didn’t recognise. The lad was running towards him.  
“Uncle David! Uncle David!”   
David still looked puzzled.  
“Uncle David!”  
David: Oh Jack! Hiya mate, what…what are you doing here….where’s….ahh hello Madam!  
Deb: Hello Sir, gotcha! Ha ha ha  
David: Where?....How long have you?...  
David got up and kissed Deb on the cheek, and pulled out his chair for her to sit on.  
Debs sat down: Thank you.  
David looked around for another chair to sit on but couldn’t see one. He stood awkwardly for a moment.  
Debs: You could sit on my lap?...Or I could sit on yours maybe?...  
They decided the latter was a better option and hastily swopped about. Deb perched on his lap, while Jack had found Samson and Sarah to say hello to close by.  
David: You’ve been here since the start of the panto haven’t you?!  
Deb: Yep, sorry about our date. But I wanted my appearance to be a surprise for mum shortly.  
David: No that’s fine, I think that’s lovely, she’ll be so chuffed to have you all here.  
Deb: Hopefully. Uncle Zak drove us down, we’ve both been hiding out with Jack in another room.  
David: Were you really only seeing the panto through facetime?  
Deb: No we had a big screen to watch it on in the kitchen, at least I could pretend I was at home with that backdrop.  
David: Well you fooled me anyway.   
Mandy appeared with a chair: Here you go Debs  
Deb got up and sat in other chair: Thanks Mandy  
Deb: Sorry David, I hope you didn’t mind ….  
David: No no, more comfy than my lap  
Deb: I think…  
David: What?  
Deb: I think we’re better as just friends as usual aren’t we?  
David: Oh I’m so glad you said that, we’re a bit interlinked with family aren’t we? You feel more like my sister.  
Deb: Well I think we’re technically…..I am your….ex…step….neice?? If there is such a thing  
David: Hmm yeah not sure, but yeah….good to see you though anyway…  
Deb: Yep, you too. Thanks. Jack….oh Jack, no hang on darling…sorry David  
David: It’s okay off you go. I’ll catch you later maybe at the wedding reception  
Deb: Yeah, see you then. Have fun.  
David: Thanks, yeah, you too.  
Rhona walked by: Been stood up have we? Ah dear happens to us all.  
David: Yeah, no, best as we were really. You and Cain?  
Rhona: Yeah same. Ah well. At least there’s one happy couple here today!  
\--  
Harriet: Find your seats again Ladies and Gentlemen, the video will be started in two minutes, two minutes time, there should be countdown on the screens now…yep there it is…two minutes til we play it and reveal our panto secrets ha ha eh Bob.  
Bob: Yeah, thanks Harriet.  
\--  
Ness and Charity are in a side room getting ready.  
Ness: Thank you for all your organising Tracy this is fabulous!  
Tracy: You’re sure now? You didn’t mind us pressing ahead and surprising the two of you?  
Charity: I think it’s a wonderful surprise Tracy, honestly.  
Ness: Yes it is. We might have not had the entire village as guests, but it’s lovely doing it at a community event where everyone is together. I hope they don’t mind us gatecrashing the panto.  
Charity: Yeah there I was thinking my Abba surprise was the only surprise happening!  
Ness: Yeah babe, that was amazing, thank you so much, I do love you.  
Charity: And I you babe, so so much, I..  
Tracy: Okay leave something for the ceremony guys or you’ll cry your mascara off again!  
Ness: Sorry Tracy I was just overwhelmed with you surprising us like that. I hope there aren’t any more emotional surprises up your sleeve? I’m running out of tissues here!  
Tracy didn’t say anything.  
Charity: Tracy?  
Tracy: Yes?  
Ness: Tracy?  
Tracy: Maybe…maybe not…you’ll just have to wait and see ladies, just relax, enjoy your time.  
Charity: Hmm okay. Is Sarah still with the boys?  
Tracy: Yes, don’t worry, Lydia, Sarah, Liv, Mandy they are all helping to sort the boys into their outfits and taking care of everything else out front, while I sort you two out back here.  
Charity: Thank you for picking these white trouser suits for us babe, they are perfect, not quite the same but very…  
Ness: Complementary to each other, yes they are thank you.  
Tracy: No problem, I did have some helping choosing them, but I’m very glad on behalf of everyone they fit you so well and you both look stunning, but then you always do!  
Ness: Aww thanks babe, so do you though  
Tracy looked like she didn’t believe her  
Charity: You know you do babe. I love your purple jumpsuit it’s fab.  
Tracy: Thanks Charity. It’s so lovely to gain another sister too, thanks for your support over the last couple of years Charity, you’re not as bad as everyone made out really ha ha.  
Charity: Oi! Ha ha. You’re not so bad yourself, come here, give us a big hug Trace.  
\--  
Harriet peeked her head around the door: Are you ladies ready?  
Ness: Aw we were talking so much we missed the video  
Tracy: It’s okay I bought multiple copies off Bob, since Johnny and Moses were such stars interviewing everyone in the cast, you can watch it altogether another time.  
Harriet: Ready then?  
Charity: Yes definitely. Ness?  
Ness: Yes, definitely.  
Tracy led them around to the village hall entrance.  
Ness: Who’s going to give us away?  
Charity: Shall I ask Rhona, and….Paddy maybe?  
Ness was silent.  
Charity: Babe? You okay?  
Ness’ mum: Hi darling  
Charity: Who?  
Ness: Charity, this is my mum  
Charity: Oh, hello. Er er pleased to meet you (she offered her hand which Ness’ mum took and they shook hands)  
Ness’ mum: Do I get a hug Vanessa?  
Ness: Er er yeah sure mum, sorry.  
They hug. Charity looks at Tracy.  
Ness: I’m just so shocked to see you here?  
Ness’ mum: Well I couldn’t let my little girl get married without me being there now could I?  
Ness: But I thought…  
Ness’ mum: I know we’ve had our differences love, and I’ve got a lot of making up to do, but it would really mean a lot to me, if you let me walk you down the aisle?  
Ness nodded slightly.  
Charity: Are you okay babe?  
Ness: Yes, thanks.  
Ness’ mum: Is that to me or your lovely wife to be?  
Charity smiled.  
Ness: Both of you, thanks. Come on then. Oh…  
Charity: What?  
Ness: Who’s going to walk you down the aisle?  
Zak: Will I do?  
Charity: Uncle Zak! When did you get here?  
Zak : That’d be telling now wouldn’t it! Shall we? (He offered his arm to Charity)  
Charity tearing up: Thank you Zak, thank you, yes. (She took his arm)  
Tracy nodded to Harriet to start the music.  
Charity to Ness: Ready?  
Ness: Always.  
Zak nodded a hello to Ness’ mum, and they stood next to each other ready to walk the happy couple down the aisle together.  
The music started and Zak led the way.  
They walked down the now beautifully decorated seats of the village hall to the sounds of:  
“Honey honey, how you thrill me, Ah-hah, honey honey….Honey honey, nearly kill me, Ah-hah honey honey… I'd heard about you before…..I wanted to know some more….And now I know what they mean…..You're a love machine…..Oh, you make me dizzy”  
Charity laughed hearing the song again, but she couldn’t help singing along.  
Ness, her mum and Zak joined in as well, and then laughed when they got to the make-shift alter.  
Charity glanced at Ryan and the line of children, and then noticed Debbie and Jack had joined them.  
Charity: Oh Debbie! Oh (she got teary and mouthed to Deb ‘love you’)  
Harriet: Ready?  
Ness and Charity smiled to each other, then both nodded to Harriet, and she began.  
\--  
Harriet: If anyone knows of any reason why these two people may not be joined in holy matrimony please declare it now or forever hold your peace.  
There was silence in the whole room and no one even dared cough, Harriet was just about to continue when the door at the back opened. Instinctively everyone turned around to see who had come in.  
Charity: Oh!  
Ness: Oh babe, are you okay?   
Charity: Yes, oh he’s sat down, that’s okay  
Ness: Are you okay with him being here?  
Charity: Yes I think maybe he’s come to make the peace, yes I’m okay.  
Charity smiled at Harriet it was okay to carry on with the wedding ceremony.  
\--  
Harriet: I now declare you wife and wife, you may kiss the bride…s…just kiss…ha ha  
Charity and Ness were grinning so much at each other, and with tears about to spill mascara down their cheeks again, they kissed and kissed and kissed.  
Their family, their friends, their neighbours all applauded and cheered. One of the loudest wolf-whistles came from the man at the back, Charity’s dad.  
\--


End file.
